Long Island Nation

2008-04-08T13:54:00.015-04:00

Piping Plovers, We Got Your Back!

This is insanity -- some would even call it madness!! Feral cats are on the loose at Cedar Beach, posing a threat to the precious endangered piping plover.

But the township is already on the case, hoping to commission Nuisance Wildlife Control to the dunes to capture up to 20 cats a day, at a sweet price of $650 a day. Figure you can nab two cats per hour (c'mon, how hard could it be), so that works out to be around $65 an hour -- that's better than what we make as editors!

The trapper, according to the Newsday article, would trap the felines with food and then bring them over to the local animal shelter for spaying or neutering. Any way we can set them loose in Sam Zell's office instead?

2008-04-07T09:05:00.013-04:00

He Really Didn't Want FiOS....

We don't know if this is an extreme example of Cablevision loyalty or someone simply having a beef with his landlord, but here's an interesting tidbit on a guy who booby-trapped his apartment with a crutch, an elastic cord, and a knife.

The first line of the Newsday article says it all.

2008-04-03T11:19:00.009-04:00

The Car Rolling Over and Over Sounded Like the Theme Song to "Seinfeld"

JERRY
What's the deal with the word "brakes"? It sounds like the word "breaks"! A bit too close for comfort, if you ask ME! It's like when you're driving your car fast, and you want to stop, either your car BRAKES, or your car BREAKS! Which is it?

KRAMER
What you need, Jerry, is anti-lock brakes.

JERRY
Anti-lock brakes? Are locking brakes bad?

KRAMER
Oh yeah, Jerry. Very bad.

JERRY
And anti-lock brakes?

KRAMER
They don't lock. They can't lock. They're--

JERRY
Anti-lock brakes. I get it.

GEORGE
My car ALWAYS breaks.

ELAINE
(Cackles loudly.)

2008-04-01T10:52:00.003-04:00

The Good News Is, the Bank Waived All the ATM Fees

2008-03-31T10:46:00.009-04:00

Because Smashing the Truck Into Things Works Better Than Simoniz-ing

A look into the recent history of Assi Touti (we'd crack a joke about his name...like, "Does that translate to "Total Ass'?" but that'd be shooting Assies in a barrel) reveals his other complaint-lodging methods:

Annoyed that the dry cleaner did not adequately remove the Champagne stain from his eggshell-colored dickey, Touti tore the dickey into several pieces then rammed his Silverado into the dry cleaner's shop, trapping three employees behind the Martinizing machine.

Upset that his new MacBook Air could not fit into the inter-office envelope he brought, not realizing that it was a letter-sized envelope, not a #10, in the commercial, Touti smashed his laptop on the floor then rammed his Silverado into the Green Acres Mall Apple Store, trapping three hipster employees behind the new iMac.

Disappointed in himself for his inability to manage anger properly, Touti turned his Silverado into a time machine, went back in time 10 minutes, and rammed the Silverado into Touti From The Past, pinning him against the Silverado From The Past.

2008-03-31T10:33:00.009-04:00

His Wife Was Nabbed at the Lidz Store, Cowering Beneath an XXXL Kangol Cap

What they should have been protesting at the Smith Haven Mall:

The price for a slice of Sbarro's pizza, which sucks at any price.

The complicated waiting-for-a-table system at Cheesecake Factory.

The fact that Victoria's Secret models do not work at Victoria Secret, and that the actual workers at Victoria's Secret get mad and sometimes ask you to leave when you complain about this fact.

Hot Topic, and the kids who shop there.

2008-03-27T10:51:00.004-04:00

Sight of Two LIRR Trains Humping Causes Delays, Revulsion

Or, LIRR train tries to do to another LIRR train what the LIRR has been doing to its riders for years!

2007-11-05T13:09:00.001-05:00

We're Suspicious About the Other 1,499!

Newsday sports columnist Jim Baumbach argues that Islanders legend Al Arbour doesn't deserve credit for the win that gave him the nice round number of 1,500 career victories.

Some readers disagree, and voice their disagreement with the intelligence for which Newsday's irate readers are known.

This fellow must be commending Baumbach's work ethic, calling him an "I Do It."

In Hillside, New Jersey, "go cut lawns" must be the equivalent of "your mother" in other parts of the country.

On Long Island, however, being accused of Rangers fandom is the biggest insult of all. Unless you're a Rangers fan.

2007-10-30T12:55:00.000-04:00

Lawyer Also Argues: "Since When Is Slavery a Crime? Oh, Wait..."

The saga of the alleged Slave Owners of Muttontown continues. In this latest chapter, we meet the classy lawyers for the Sabhnanis. Here's one of their crazier statements.

Because nothing will get the compassion of a jury and the community like comparing a family of rich snobs and spoiled daughters to victims of a devastating natural disaster.

2007-10-25T10:46:00.000-04:00

He Only AXED for Change of a Dollar

2007-10-24T14:53:00.000-04:00

And in Other News, Your Cable Bill Has Tripled

Not much to say about this, other than it's a good excuse to post photos of the Dolans.

2007-10-22T10:24:00.001-04:00

Saying, "My Other Husband Has the Same Tie!" Was the Tipoff

We never understood the whole bigamy thing. Having just one spouse is hard enough on our sanity and wallet, not to mention that whole "I have to go on a little 'business trip'" thing you have to do every weekend.

(Plus, that polygamy show on HBO? Borrr-ing!)

Two sets of in-laws, potentially two sets of alimony. Who needs it? Sure, there's (likely) extra sex, but the downsides are just two much. We mean, TOO much.

One wonders what tipped off the Long Island husband. Maybe it was when she bought him an anniversary gift seven months early or spent her sixth consecutive weekend in Connecticut to see "family" (which wasn't exactly a lie).

What was she doing? Baking herself another wedding cake?

2007-10-19T16:15:00.000-04:00

Will Any of CSH Lab's Black Employees "Deal With" Dr. Waston?

As Cold Spring Harbor Laboratory decides the fate of Nobel Prize-winner James Watson, whose recent comments include saying that he'd to think all people are equal, but "people who have to deal with black employees find this is not true."

Perhaps he's talking about Wal-Mart!

2007-10-17T11:52:00.001-04:00

Yet There Never Seems to Be a Hot Dog Shortage

Good news for oysters!

Bad news for oysters!

2007-10-17T10:31:00.000-04:00

This Was at a Practice; Imagine If It Were at an Official Game

2007-10-16T14:36:00.001-04:00

If the Trains Go Just 5 MPH, Mission Accomplished!

2007-10-15T11:01:00.000-04:00

Charles Bronson Would Love Him, If Charles Bronson Weren't Dead

Behold this man.

This is John Clifford. He rides the LIRR. He doesn't like noisy riders. Most people don't like noisy riders, even the ones who are making noise and don't realize that they're bothering everyone else.

We often get stuck sitting next to some jackass with his iPod headphones on so loud that we can clearly hear his playlist, which is likely named "Gay Songs of the 1980s." And we sit there and stew. Or we move our seat. But not John Clifford.

According to this very curious profile, John Clifford has punched one woman, poured coffee on another, and extracted other sorts of inconvenienced-commuter revenge several times. So if you ride the train with this man, John Clifford, turn down your iPod, don't slurp your coffee, watch how loud you type on your laptop, and if you fall asleep, don't you dare snore...

'Cause John Clifford's gonna get ya.

2007-10-12T12:16:00.001-04:00

We Thought This Was About Richie Kessel's Laryngitis

2007-10-11T14:31:00.001-04:00

Half a Mil to Tell You What You Already Know: There's Traffic

Your tax dollars (specifically, 450,000 of them) are at work powering a sign on the Northern State Parkway that can tell you how long it'll take you to get to the Sag or Route 111 from Exit 40. At first, the sign wasn't even working properly. On the bright side, the design of the sign shows that someone's planned ahead: there's room for a third digit.

2007-10-10T10:18:00.000-04:00

Childhood Obesity Is Really Getting Out of Hand

2007-10-09T10:25:00.000-04:00

Attention, Riders: Watch the Glitch!

The LIRR said that the glitch is also responsible for late trains, dirty trains, broken trains, and people falling through the gap.

On an unrelated note, the LIRR also announced that it no longer has that "budget windfall" it announced the day before the glitch was discovered.

2007-10-07T21:32:00.000-04:00

Compare and Contrast

So. Thanks to the box showing what's "most popular" and "most e-mailed" on the home pages of media Web sites, you can get an idea of the type of readership that's, uh, reading.

This is the "most e-mailed" for today's New York Times:

No surprise. Something on insurance, a few of the Times' blowhard lefty columnists who preach to the choir, and a couple of articles covering hot-button issues in the news today. In some ways there's no reason for the readers to e-mail these stories because the readers' likeminded friends probably read these articles already.

Now let's look at the "most e-mailed" articles from our hometown paper:

That's right, folks, the duck. They moved the duck. It didn't break or anything. Let's e-mail that story to all our friends!

And how can that be more interesting than a sex-stung cardiologist or a fake grenade?

2007-10-05T15:40:00.000-04:00

Does "Racist" Count as a Disability?

Newsday readers have sounded off on the case of the former Wal-Mart employee with Down's Syndrome and IBS suing the company (normally praised for its hiring of disabled workers) for discrimination after he was fired.

Our favorite comment was this gem from someone called (ironically) Fix Society:

Not to stereotype or anything.

2007-10-04T12:02:00.001-04:00

Dolan Singing the Blues?

Well, not really. Even though the he was socked with the $11.6 million verdict (on appeal; good luck with that!) and is facing that other sex-harassment lawsuit we almost forgot about, Jim's got a plan to keep himself and his empire solvent.

Because beer sales bring in more revenue than soda, the drinking age at Garden events will be lowered to 12.

Love HBO? It's now 300 bucks a month!

MSG interns have to sign up for a payroll deduction if they want to bang Stephon Marbury in his van.

MSG to sue all Chinese restaurants for copyright infringement every time they use monosodium glutamate.

2007-10-03T12:36:00.000-04:00

She Was Also Told She's Got Prostate Cancer

And the test results for hoof-and-mouth disease are pending. But they said she'll have to get her tonsils and appendix removed. Again.

2007-10-02T09:00:00.000-04:00

Because We Were Lazy This Summer

Yeah, so we slacked off. We'll try to post more. Okay. Okay? Okay.

2007-08-17T12:03:00.001-04:00

Newsday-Cover Headline Contest (No, It's Not Really a Contest)

Our entries:

Beach Bums
Two Whales Spotted on South Shore
What Would Their Children Look Like?
Greedy and Greedier
Where's a Harpoon When You Need One?

2007-06-18T10:20:00.000-04:00

Criminally Retarded

Like something out of a Warner Brothers cartoon, some idiot (from Selden, naturally) caused a fire by trying to steal gas by drilling into a the gas tank. (Interestingly, it took TWO Newsday reporters to write the story. How complicated could it have been?)

Other schemes this moron has hatched:
• Placing FOR SALE signs with his phone number on the front lawns of houses not actualy for sale.
• Grave robbing for eBay.
• Attempting to break into the main offices of Slomin's Home Security.
• Holding up a bakery because he heard "They got a lotta dough there."

2007-05-28T09:22:00.000-04:00

Attention, Wal-Mart Shoppers: Junkie in Aisle 5

2007-05-21T09:44:00.000-04:00

Imagine What Her Salary Would Be If It Were a FOR-Profit

2007-05-18T13:15:00.000-04:00

Bovines Flying Over Icy Hades Dept.

As of now, we still don't know all the reasons why Joey and Amy have reunited. Mary-Jo sez it's all about the money, but we all know Joey has proved himself a man of integrity enough for that charge not to stick. A few other questions linger, though:

1. What was the point of Amy's plastic surgery?
2. Does the Long Island Press regret no longer having her as a columnist?
3. Will Amy eventually shoot herself in the face?
4. Why does anyone still care about these two?

2007-05-15T09:23:00.000-04:00

And Then They'll Need Another $1.7 Mil to Remove the Sand in the Spring

2007-05-07T23:23:00.000-04:00

The "Suit" Was a Size 60

2007-05-03T22:42:00.000-04:00

Someone Should Make Those Gangs a Little Less Flammable

2007-04-23T21:07:00.000-04:00

The Victim Was Robbed of 20 Bucks and a Bottle of Shiraz

2007-04-18T10:19:00.000-04:00

They Were Spotted Wearing Skidz and "Members Only" Jackets

2007-04-18T10:07:00.000-04:00

Richie Kessel and Al D'Amato, Watch Your Back!

2007-04-05T12:27:00.000-04:00

And On Appeal Grandma Would Win Back Her Dentures

Not to make light of the actual reasons this lawsuit took place, but where we come from, our (beloved and deceased) grandmothers combined didn't have 800 grand! Their total possessions consisted mainly of:

1. Lots of floral-print headscarves

2. Several prescription drugs, none of which were worth anything on the black market or could get you high

3. A tub of Fleischmann's margarine

2007-04-05T12:22:00.000-04:00

Hooray for Us

This is our 100th post. Can't believe we found 100 Long Island things to write about, mostly by looking at Newsday's site!

Feel free to comment on our posts; that's what the "comments" link is for! You can do it anonymously or post under an assumed name, like Richard Bessel or Jimmy Bolan or Al B'Amato.

2007-04-04T12:17:00.000-04:00

Defense Arguments Available Here

1. No one can drive even half that fast during rush hour on the LIE.

2. The car was actually piloted by Tom Suozzi's driver.

3. The guy is from Shirley. What do you expect: intelligence?

2007-04-02T09:43:00.000-04:00

Third Place: Thomas Barraga's Driveway

Newsday's article on the proposal to keep illegal immigrants from congregating on Farmingville streets by building a designated hiring site (supported by Legis. Thomas Barraga, who was quoted in the story) has generated lots of responses from the paper's readers.

We sifted through all the responses. According to Newsday readers, here's the most popular location for the hiring site:

The second-most popular location:

2007-03-29T12:13:00.000-04:00

If Only a Middle Finger Washed Up Instead

A severed left leg washed up on the shore of the James Dolan estate, baffling investigators.

Turns out, it was just somebody trying to pay his Cablevision bill. The arm (as in "arm and a leg") will likely turn up later.

2007-03-27T23:37:00.000-04:00

Postage Due

2007-03-26T23:19:00.000-04:00

Last Year They Ranked 15th Out of 14

So anyway, LIPA was considered the worst utility in the East, and this is in a category with Con Ed, which left people in Queens without power for like a week.

They also compared LIPA with non-utility businesses. In terms of reputation, LIPA ranked just below the tobacco companies and just above some nonprofit called Mothers in Favor of Drunk Driving (MIFODD).

2007-03-23T10:12:00.000-04:00

Makes You Wonder What Kind of "Gifts" This Guy Had

2007-03-22T09:51:00.000-04:00

Next Time He Should Use an Unmarked Fire Truck

We learned the other day that Nassau Comptroller Howard Weitzman's unmarked police car got stuck in the ice and required the help of policemen (who likely showed up in "marked" police cars) to pull him out.

Now it turns out that the practice (having unmarked police cars at home, not the stuck-in-the-ice part) is illegal, and a number of officials, including Assessor Harvey Levinson are breaking the law.

We don't have a snappy comment quite yet, but are ~~pround~~ PROUD(!!!) of our Photoshop skills, evident in the graphic that accompanies this post.

2007-03-20T09:54:00.000-04:00

A Quicker Way to Say This Is Simply, "It's Tuesday."

2007-03-20T09:45:00.000-04:00

Next Time, Don't Tell the Driver to "Take a Shortcut"

Both the driver and passenger in a cab that flew off the Expressway are alive and (somewhat) well.

A curious quote from the driver: ""I was going slowly, 35, 40, 45 miles an hour." This in a nor'easter, the kind of storm that's so bad they put an apostrophe in the name.

The real question is, as the taxi lay all smashed up as the ambulance arrived, did he keep the meter running?

(Photo: James Carbone/Newsday)

2007-03-16T09:46:00.000-04:00

Damned If You Drink, Damned If You're Drunk

I mean, if you're a drunk parent and have to go to the store, or the bar, what ARE you supposed to do with the kids?

2007-03-14T21:56:00.000-04:00

Some Headline Writer Is Having a Good Laugh Right Now

Because skirt + gay issues = FUNN-AY!!!

2007-03-14T21:39:00.000-04:00

We Probably Would Have Considered the Billy Club Instead

2007-03-14T09:47:00.000-04:00

Because a "Get Rid of the Mexicans Bill" Would Likely Be Unconstitutional, Too

It appears that Suffolk County Exec Steve Levy's attempt to curb the day-labor problem with an anti-loitering bill will be for naught. ("For naught" means "it ain't gonna work.")

It's not as if they didn't have other, even less-successful attempts at legislation to eliminate the hordes of Latin fellows seeking unlicensed employment for untaxed income. A previous proposed bill attempted to make it a crime for speaking a word that has a tilde in it.

2007-03-13T09:41:00.000-04:00

The House Should Get Its Own Zip Code and Mayor

In yet another shining example of the housing situation in Nassau, village inspectors found a Hempstead house that held 28 people.

Next door they found a house with a even worse situation. According to officials, it held:

Two single moms
One old guy
Two Bengali tigers
The Harlem Globetrotters
Three of Bill Clinton's mistresses
A dozen illegal aliens looking for contruction work
Five cans of Pringles
An Iranian nuclear power plant
Three fugitives featured on "America's Most Wanted"
Town of Hempstead Supervisor Kate Murray

2007-03-12T10:33:00.000-04:00

When They Say Long Island Is a Cesspool, They May Be Right

Wow. You mean having all our waste dumped into what is basically a big hole in the front yard might not be so great for the environment?

2007-03-07T09:59:00.000-05:00

Shoot First, Introduce Legislation Later

While debating an anti-loitering bill targeting immigrant day laborers, Legis. Joe Caracappa asked other legislators how they'd feel if they lived in communities where immigrants showed up in packs along the road looking for work. Amityville Legis. Elie Mystal replied:

"If I'm living in that neighborhood and people are gathering like that, I would load up my gun and start shooting, period."

While this comment is as refreshingly honest as it is refreshingly scary, we noted that this answer can apply to many issues a legislator faces.

Q: What would you say to homeowners who feel their property taxes are too high?
Legis. Elie Mystal: I would load up my gun and start shooting, period.

Q: Road congestion is a serious problem. On one hand, Route 347, Route 25A, and Route 27A would likely need expansion, but to build more lanes would require the destruction of existing businesses and could affect the quality of life. Where do you stand on the issue?
Legis. Elie Mystal: I would load up my gun and start shooting, period.

Q: The issue of the winter holidays is so controversial these days. Does "Christmas" mean a tree that has no religious significance, or are goverment offices allowed to display more overt religious symbols, like a nativity?
Legis. Elie Mystal: I would load up my gun and start shooting, period.

Q: The recent LIPA increases?
Legis. Elie Mystal: I would load up my gun and start shooting, period.

Q: LIRR delays?
Legis. Elie Mystal: I would load up my gun and start shooting, period.

Q: Potholes along Route 110?
Legis. Elie Mystal: I would load up my gun and start shooting, period.

Q: The recent spate of cold weather?
Legis. Elie Mystal: I would load up my gun and start shooting, period.

Q: Charles Wang's attempt to buy all of Nassau County?
Legis. Elie Mystal: I would load up my gun and start shooting, period.

Q: Finally, what do you think you'd do when a Newsday reporter asks for comments regarding illegal aliens?
Legis. Elie Mystal: I would load up my gun and start shooting, period.

2007-03-06T09:39:00.000-05:00

Because Zachary Gibian Wasn't Available

It ain't easy finding someone to decapitate a target. Most of the good ones are already in prison. (Though Zach claims his mother did it. Maybe the thug should have given HER a ring.)

2007-03-05T10:03:00.000-05:00

Maybe Prison Really Is More "Wizard of Oz" Than "Oz"!

Convicted head-cutter-off-er Zachary Gibian is already preferring life in the slammer to life on "the outside," as they said we think on The Shawshank Redemption.

The most telling quote in the article is in the first paragraph:

To listen to Zachary Gibian describe the relaxation of reading six books in three weeks, writing poetry from his desk, and playing his favorite card game, "Cut throat," is to believe he has it made.

2007-03-02T10:07:00.000-05:00

So What Do We Get for a Half-Dozen Carnations?
The cops busted a prostitution ring in Centereach.

These suburban hookers advertised on Craig's List (maybe they're responsible for the recent crazy irate post). Newsday reports that the advertisement "offered sexual favors, but 'no full contact' [BOR-ING!]" for the price of "150 to 225 roses."

Said Sixth Precinct Inspector Frank Stallone (there's a Sly-Stallone's-brother joke in there somewhere, but we can't think of one right now): "That, obviously, is dollars."

"Roses" actually means "dollars"? Now THAT'S good police work! Better than CSI!

2007-03-02T10:02:00.000-05:00

This One Is More "Rant" Than "Rave"

Call us sadistic, but we kinda feel like contacting this person with services or other commercial interests.

2007-03-01T10:10:00.000-05:00

Write Your Own Punchline!

Smells like:

Teen spirit
Richard Kessel
The daily jackknifed tractor-trailer on the Expressway
Town of Hempstead fraud
The LIRR gap
Your mother
Another Cablevision price increase
The ghost of Frank Tassone (yes, we know he's still alive)
Charlie Wang's attempt to take over Long Island
Al D'Amato's McMansion
An Islanders winning streak
That rotting, waterlogged Long Island Press at the end of your driveway

2007-02-28T23:33:00.000-05:00

Killing Two Birds With One Stone

HERE'S a solution: Make the homeless live in John Loeffel's illegal apartment! Everybody wins!

2007-02-27T09:34:00.000-05:00

Maybe Building That THIRD Story Was a Bad Idea

File this under what we're calling "Long Irony." (Get it? Long Island? Irony? Long Irony?) John Loeffel, the buildings commissioner in Hempstead, failed to have his own home properly assessed after he expanded his little one-story cape to a three-story monster (see the photo we stole from Newsday at left).

Too bad Supervisor Kate Murray, who lobbied hard to get this guy his job, was in the dark. But wait--Newsday says she lives on the same street as Loeffel!

Next up in Hempstead: A restaurant owned by the health commissioner will be found to harbor bubonic plague.

2007-02-26T09:48:00.000-05:00

They Said the Same Thing About Tutankhamun

The difficult part was deciphering what he was saying while wrapped in layers of white linen and canvas.

2007-02-22T09:38:00.000-05:00

Snow Job

Well, it appears that the Scottish fellow who promised to build an indoor ski mountain in Riverhead has finally backed out of the project after revealing that of the $100 million he claimed to have available, he lacked about $99,500,000 of it.

He had some other ideas for Long Island that likely won't get past the drawing-board stage:

1. The Long Island Commuter Tube transit system, which promises Ronkonkoma-to-Manhattan transportation in under three minutes.

2. Filling in the Long Island Sound so cars can travel to Connecticut without going through the City.

3. Disneyland Coram.

4. A rebuilt Nassau Coliseum and a hotel/condo combo featuring a 60-story tower. (Oh, wait, that's Charlie Wang's idea.)

2007-02-18T21:59:00.000-05:00

Definition of "Blind Leading the Blind"

And at least we know there's no danger of Richie Kessel falling through the gap! RIMSHOT for the obvious fat joke!

2007-02-16T09:33:00.000-05:00

Talk About "Stand By Your Man"! Part II

Most Long Island housewives would leave their husbands if the guys left the toilet seat up two days in a row, yet for the second consecutive day, Newsday reports on another guy who tried to have his woman (in this case, his fiancee) killed (but got busted because the guy he hired was an undercover cop, duh) only to have the loyal lady defend the guy in court!

We need more women like the former Mary Jo Buttafuoco! (She left Joey, and he didn't even technically try to kill her!)

2007-02-15T15:28:00.000-05:00

Read Before You Post

Newsday ran a heartwarming Valentine's Day story about a couple who were married for 77 years, and the comments were positive:

...but for one exception:

2007-02-15T10:17:00.000-05:00

Talk About "Stand By Your Man"!

We continue to be fascinated by the story of the guy who hired a hitman to kill his wife (only the hit man turned out to be an undercover cop).

In what is setting back something (women's lib? marriage?) several hundred years, the wife/target is not only supporting her husband, but is refusing to cooperate with the prosecution.

This despite her husband being quoted as wanting a thorough job: "Make sure you finish her off, because I don't want to be stuck with a vegetable," he said, accoriding to the prosecutor.

We think it's a little too late for that.

2007-02-15T09:59:00.000-05:00

The Video Camera Should Have Tipped You Off

Once again, a man has been arrested for trying to hire a hitman to kill his wife, and once again, the man was arrested because the hit man happened to be an undercover cop who videotaped the whole transaction.

While we at Long Island Nation do not approve of people offing their spouses, we less approve of people who fail to do a job correctly.

Not that we have any experience in this regard (though we might have entertained the idea from time to time), we assume that you'd probably want to perform some due diligence when interviewing your prospective hitman:

1. Ask him if he's ever whacked anyone before. (Make sure you say "whacked"; it means you mean BUSINESS!)

2. Ask him if he has references who can confirm he has the ability to cold-bloodedly murder a total stranger.

3. Ask him what his method is. If it's a garotte, he may be too old-school for you.

4. And in passing, ask him if he, um, HAPPENS TO BE AN UNDERCOVER COP.

2007-02-14T09:47:00.000-05:00

Also, It's COMPtroller, Not CONtroller

Newly installed Dem crony State Comptroller Thomas DiNapoli was blitzed with some basic financial questions in a Great Neck diner by the New York Post the other day, and proved he knew very little about the job that he was about to occupy.

There were several other questions, unpublished until now, that Tom was unable to answer correctly:

1. Which president is on the two-dollar bill?
2. What is the capital of New York?
3. What's so great about Great Neck?
4. Where have Shelly Silver and Joe Bruno buried their scruples?
5. Did Alan Hevesi's wife ever offer to pay for gas while she was being chauffeured around?
6. Deal...or no deal?
7. Which president is on the three-dollar bill? (TRICK QUESTION!)
8. After you finish your meal here, how much do you plan to tip?
9. Does anyone have smaller eyes than Governor Spitzer?
10. Who's a bigger crook: Hevesi or Bruno?
11. Did Tom Suozzi really offer to arm-wrestle you for the Nassau County Exec nomination?
12. How many pennies am I holding in my left hand?
13. If Governor Spitzer were allowed to spend five minutes in a locked room with Shelly Silver, no questions asked, what would happen?

2007-02-13T10:25:00.000-05:00

Sixty Days of Fun!

One of Long Island's favorite businessmen-turned-criminals, Sanjay "Charles Wang Knew NOTHING About Any of This" Kumar, has just received a two-month reprieve from beginning his 12-year prison sentence. Which means instead of being released as late as February 27, 2019, it could now be as late as APRIL 27, 2019.

What can he do with those two months? Maybe catch a few Islanders games (though he likely won't be invited to Wang's luxury box) or stop by the headquarters of the company he ruined or go door-to-door to the CA employees who lost their jobs thanks to his fraud.

So much to do, so little time!

2007-02-08T12:35:00.000-05:00

The Next Hearing Is Scheduled for February 31

The LIRR held hearings about the gap issue. Nice. Of course, they decided to hold the hearings on a weekday morning, which is when like 80 percent of its ridership will be at work, in the City, assuming they haven't already fallen through the gaps during their morning commute.

The article also mentions a group called Residents for a More Beautiful Syosset. We wonder if there's an opposing group that likes things the way they are, like Apathetics for an Ugly Stretch of Strip Malls Along Jericho Turnpike by Route 135.

2007-02-06T09:51:00.000-05:00

Now How Much for a Lawyer Lapdance?

The Town of Hempstead is trying to shut down a self-described "upscale gentlemen's club" (which we know no real "gentleman" would ever enter) called (and oddly spelled) Seduccion Bar and Lounge.

Enticing, isn't it?

According to the article, lapdances cost $25. This despite the club's tagline (according to their Web site): "City Style Without the City Hassle." Last time we went to a bachelor party in the City, we hit Privilege, where the private dances were a mere double-sawbuck. (Hey, we didn't say we were gentlemen!) We think the extra five bucks for girls who couldn't make the cut in NYC clubs would be considered a "hassle," too!

Meanwhile, the town has hired a law firm at the rate of $175 an hour. For that price, they'd better file their legal briefs while not wearing their cotton briefs!

2007-02-05T11:08:00.000-05:00

Yes.

2007-02-02T11:08:00.000-05:00

Two Embarrassing Selden Stories in Two Days!

Poor Selden. Yesterday's Newsday reported two Seldenites getting arrested for crack, while today we see that the fire department's being investigated for curious spending and bookkeeping, including conferences in Las Vegas.

You'd think with all the money they supposedly spent, they'd have paid the bill for the district's Web site, which is currently dead.

2007-02-01T14:56:00.000-05:00

How LI Pales to NYC, Part II

Newsday ran two crack-related headlines atop each other:

We see another notable difference between THE CITY and THE ISLAND.

Kenneth "Supreme" McGriff ran a drug empire and was recently convicted of paying 50 grand to have two rivals rubbed out. Meanwhile, in Selden (surprise!), two losers were nabbed with an ounce of crack. Nice job!

(And yes, we make fun of the two morons stealing nickel powder!)

2007-02-01T14:50:00.000-05:00

How LI Pales to NYC, Part I

In New York City, or as we call it in Long Islandese, "The City," they have real robberies. Like people trying to steal gold and shit. Here on Long Island, we have this:

If only they got away with it. They could have moved up the crime foodchain to stealing powdered dimes!

2007-01-31T09:56:00.000-05:00

Sex Scandal in Nassau County? We're SHOCKED!

According to the article on the blackmailing swingers, the sex romps/extortion plots took place at "undisclosed locations in Carle Place."

We've got a few ideas where in Carle Place these transgression might have occured:

In the rugs department of Fortunoff
Between the pages of a Cheesecake Factory menu.
In the 2 Live Crew section at Tower Records
On the rising platform thingy on the dance floor at Chateau Briand
In the "eggery" part of the Thomas Ham & Eggery diner

2007-01-30T09:51:00.000-05:00

Applicable for Glue and Dog Food Community College

One of the weirder headlines among the borderline-creepy coverage of the death of Barbaro was this one:

What a boon to all those horses whose families don't have the money to send them to college!

2007-01-25T09:50:00.000-05:00

A Corny Mistake

Newsday ran this headline this morning:

But if that headline WERE accurate, we don't think we'd want to read the rest of the story.

2007-01-24T09:35:00.000-05:00

The Most Accurate Newsday Sentence Ever

Newsday's article about the replacement of LIPA gadfly Richie "I Dropped One of My Titles But Still Got Paid 165 Grand" Kessel concluded with this sentence:

LIPA, which some have criticized for paying high salaries to political appointees, could see a leaner structure as a result.

As soon as Kessel walks out that LIPA door, it'll feel "leaner" everywhere! (Rimshot!)

2007-01-23T14:25:00.000-05:00

Do You Want the Good News First, or the Bad?

So Michael Patrick Nelson has finally ended his allegedly award-winning column in the Long Island Press. What would we do without the most naval-gazing writer on Long Island?

But wait! Now! He! Has! A! Blog!!!!!!!!

2007-01-22T10:55:00.000-05:00

Wang Was So Impressed, He Made the Guy General Manager of the Team

An article discussing the partnership of two filthy-rich Long Islanders, Charles "I made $670 million in 1995 but only Sanjay Kumar goes to jail" Wang and Scott "I fought Carl Ichan and I won" Rechler mentioned this about the real estate titan: "Scott Rechler does not know much about hockey."

Some Islander fans would argue: Neither does Charlie!

2007-01-19T10:36:00.000-05:00

It Will Replace the Wedding Photo on Our Nightstand

Newsday blasted a huge LIRR gap special today, and on the Web they solicit photos of gaps throughout the system. If you're disappointed that you don't live near a gap-plagued line, or if you want your friends to think you're weird, the newspaper offers this:

That's right! Buy yourself a nice glossy print! Put it next to photos of your gap-related injury when you decide to sue!

2007-01-18T14:22:00.000-05:00

Send Dan Marino to Negotiate

We didn't want to talk about the dolphins. We thought the dolphin story would pass. But it hasn't. So, here it is: Dolphins are still stuck in East Hampton tighter than rich-kid jerkoffs trying to heading home from the East End on a summer Sunday night.

The crew in charge of getting rid of them are using the feeble technique of "making noise" to drive them out. But as dolphins are supposedly intelligent creatures (at least more so than the average Mastic resident), they should shout something specific, such as:

1. "Want to see what the property taxes are like around here?"

2. "A car loaded with Tom Suozzi and his redlight-running driver is coming straight at you!"

3. "Not far from here is a 7-Eleven with ILLEGAL MEXICANS mulling around looking for work!"

2007-01-16T22:20:00.000-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen...IRONY!

Everyone's favorite gubernatorial "candidate" and two-time and probably three-time Nassau boss Tom Suozzi was riding shotgun when his offical at-taxpayers-expense car ran a red light and smashed into some poor dude.

In what can be filed under "we can't make this shit up," Tom's driver broke the most basic traffic law while en route to visit Kathleen Rice and Andrew Cuomo, who are only the TOP LAW OFFICIALS in the county and state, respectively.

2007-01-11T22:36:00.000-05:00

Suozzi Likely to Run Again, Bear Shits in Woods

Newsday reports that its favorite son, Tom "My Dad Was Also Mayor of Glen Cove" Suozzi is planning on running for Nassau County Executive again, despite promising not to during the campaign for governor in which he spent a ton of money and rarely set foot in Hempstead so he could lose the primary by a 4-to-1 ratio.

Good luck, Tommy! May your legacy rank with those of three-termers Tom Gulotta and George Pataki!

2007-01-11T09:52:00.000-05:00

In Case They Don't Know Route 25 and Route 25A and Route 25B Are Three Separate Roads

So the Nassau cops, who if we recall correctly make like $371,000 a year or something, are going to get global positioning system technology (GPS) into their vehicles. We didn't realize that they were getting lost all the time!

2007-01-10T09:48:00.000-05:00

Because Osama Was Overheard Railing Against "Great Satan Minnesota Wild Hockey Team"

Mayor Bloomberg went to Washington to ask why the hell the anti-terror funds are spread across the country "like peanut butter" (Mayor Mike didn't say whether he meant creamy or chunky) rather than focused in the New York area where, like, almost all the attacks and threats take place.

Norm Coleman distinguished senator from Minnesota, a place that can elect Jesse Ventura governor, declared:

"There are a lot of areas of great risk, you know, throughout the heartland. In Minnesota, we have the Mall of America. ... Minnesota Wild [hockey team] play at the Xcel Energy Center, a symbol of America."

The guy has a point. I mean, that's what they quiz you on when you want to become a citizen. The symbols of America: Mount Rushmore, the Statue of Liberty, and THE XCEL ENERGY CENTER, HOME OF THE MINNESOTA WILD HOCKEY TEAM!

You'd think the Meadowlands would be a bigger target. The Devils play there.

2007-01-09T10:17:00.000-05:00

Continuing to Shame Long Island From 3,000 Miles Away

Human punchline and former Long Islander scumbag ("former" on the Long Islander part, not the scumbag part) Joey Buttafuoco turned himself in to serve a one-year sentence for illegally possessing ammunition.

Two observations:

1. Only someone like Joey would have ammunition, but no gun. One assumes he would defend himself by THROWING or perhaps SPITTING the bullets at his attacker.

2. Joey will likely argue that his ex-wife Mary Jo, who still has a bullet lodged in her skull from former Long Island Press columnist and plastic surgery patient Amy Fisher (who used a gun, by the way), is ALSO in legal possession of ammunition.

2007-01-08T09:51:00.000-05:00

File Under "Why Should We Be Surprised?"

We learn today that Roosevelt, known to most people as the Long Island community that's managed in such a way that makes Shirley look like Great Neck, has experienced yet another setback in its education system. Construction of a middle school is millions of dollars over budget.

Part of the reason is that the school is being built at (and we're not making this up) a site formerly used by Nassau County for storage of mosquito-control equipment!

Now the state and the county argue over whose responsibility is it to clean the place up, and the Roosevelt kids continue to be the Sisyphus of Long Island schoolchildren. (And sadly, none of them will probably learn who Sisyphus was.)

The state or county or whoever's in charge could have picked a better place, like underground or in a moving van, but look on the bright side: all those kids will be able to enjoy picnics and backyard barbecues without having to coat themselves in "Off" repellent!

2007-01-04T13:50:00.000-05:00

Woo-Hah! He's Got Them All in Check

I guess we really shouldn't be surprised about the latest incident from a guy who pens songs with titles like "Break Ya Neck," "Make It Hurt," "We Could Take It Outside," and the prophetic "What the F*** You Want!" But even Uniondale native Busta Rhymes may have crossed the line when he punched and kicked an employee who asked for Busta's signature for payroll purposes.

Looks like Trevor (Mr. Rhymes's real name) should keep an extra stash of courvoisier to numb his employees' pain when he puts the beat-down on them. Maybe he offers workers' comp.

2007-01-04T10:39:00.000-05:00

Newsday Headline Writer Defines "Irony"

No further comment required on this one:

2007-01-04T09:46:00.000-05:00

Blame Osama Bin NIMBY

Nassau County is running into opposition on its attempt to upgrade its radio system by placing antennae on large things like water towers, Richie Kessel's gut, and Al D'Amato's self-importance.

In Bayville, for instance, the village already permits 52 antennae on water towers from cellphone companies, yet suddenly people feel these proposed emergency antennae will cause things like cancer, blurry vision, stunted growth, chlamydia, and a desire to watch "According to Jim."

Long Island Nation suggests the following compromise:

2007-01-03T09:43:00.000-05:00

A Nation of "Nations"

Yes, we shamelessly promote ourselves in places like the Newsday forums and the Craig's List Rants 'n' Raves section. We expect people to ignore us or tell us to shut up. That's the American Way. But when we dropped a link in the comments section for the first-2007-baby story, we didn't expect this, from "Lisa" of Huntington Station (assuming she really is from Huntington Station, which is another issue entirely):

We're not sure what got Lisa so hot and bothered. Clearly, she didn't read our site, so we think she was just freaked out by the word "nation," which we happen to share with Aryan Nation and National Front.

But we feel sorry for Lisa, because by shunning all things "nation," she's missing these great Nations:

Liberal rag The Nation
Overpriced and often smelly theater chain National Amusements
Shitty movies (with the exception of Animal House) with National Lampoon in the title
Groundbreaking yet incredibly racist-in-hindsight 1915 film Birth of a Nation
More-shameless-self-promoter-than-Long-Island-Nation shrill author Liz Wurtzel's Prozac Nation

Hmmm. I guess when you think about it, maybe we should change our name. To something like Long Island Island or something.

2007-01-02T09:41:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year! (And Screw You, Illegals!)

Newsday reports on the first Long Island baby of 2007. Some basic facts about the child's parents:

They live in Copiague, and have been together for four years. Both are from El Salvador [they spoke to Newsday through an interpreter], and each has a child living with relatives in that Central American country.

Thanks to the Newsday forums, we're able to read between the lines a bit, as insightful people provide analysis such as:

and

But the REAL issue is, people in Copaigue are allowed to have children?

2006-12-22T10:36:00.000-05:00

In a Three-Way Race, We're Surprised They Didn't Come in Fourth Place

So an LIRR union is mad that former New York Post owner/real estate titan/MTA chairman Peter Kalikow called the railroad "third-best" in the metro area. Yesterday, United Transportation Union general chairman Anthony Simon drafted a letter responding to Kalikow's comments to a Newsday columnist that the LIRR "is the third-best railroad in the metropolitan area" behind Metro-North and the city's subway system.

Instead of trying to move up in Kalikow's personal rankings by improving service or cleaning the cars better or preventing more people from falling through gaps, the union's head wrote a letter:

"I must say, it took me hours to calm down before being able to gather my thoughts and deliver them to you," [United Transportation Union general chairman Anthony] Simon wrote.

"Hours"? So that's why our trains are always late!

2006-12-22T10:32:00.000-05:00

Nelson Ravings Summary: December 21, 2006

In which we plow through the weekly Long Island Press column so you don't have to.

Title: Nothing but the Best
Word count: 1346
"I" usage: 66 "I"; 6 "I'm"; 1 "I'd"; 0 "I've"
"Jenn" mentions: 0
Four-word summary: "I list music favorites."

2006-12-21T10:46:00.000-05:00

IP-Tracking Incompetence or Newsday-Generated Conspiracy?

Several people have complained (and we have reported) about Newsday's inability to track their "location" accurately on their boards (perhaps the blame lies with Topix, the company that owns the boards).

It's mostly stuff like some guy in East Meadow having his location listed as Hempstead or whatever. Annoying, but not too big of a deal.

So as we try to shamelessly promote ourselves on the Newsday bulletin boards, we've found something odd:

Take a closer look:

Spring Grove, Illinois? Even if we lived in one of the most western Nassau towns, like Elmont, that'd be nearly 900 miles away.

What gives? Is Newsday trying to paint Long Island Nation as not being from Long Island? Come clean, Newsday, or else we'll drop the corpse of Ed Lowe onto your Melville headquarters.

(What? He's still alive?)

2006-12-21T09:47:00.000-05:00

Whoop-Ass by the Water

So it looks like the Ocean Beach police force has gotten themselves into a little bit of hot water, fending off a slew of brutality lawsuits and defending an adherence to the town's regulations with what some have called "a stormtrooper mentality."

The locals don't understand what the big deal is. To quote today's Newsday article on the topic:

"Occasionally, someone gets hurt and decides to sue the police department, for whatever reason," said Gerard Stoddard, president of the Fire Island Association.

We don't get it, either. Whatever could the reason be for the lawsuit from a New Jersey tourist who visited the Land of No last summer? Just because his bladder was forcibly ruptured after being arrested for littering doesn't mean he should act like such a pussy.

"To me, they [police] understand what the problems are, and are reasonable about trying to keep the peace and strike the balance," continues Stoddard—not to mention striking (and bruising) the trachea of an Amityville construction worker who happened to be a bystander watching ANOTHER perp get the bejeezus kicked out of him for staying in a room not rented under his own name.

We're looking forward to witnessing the comeuppance of future violators of some of OB's other statutes, including eating cookies on public walkways and riding bicycles on Saturdays and Sundays (both illegal).

And we hear that the town is looking to pass a new ordinance: If you get caught with possession of sand while walking on the beach, cops can pierce your pancreas with a lifeguard flag.