Because Smashing the Truck Into Things Works Better Than Simoniz-ing


A look into the recent history of Assi Touti (we'd crack a joke about his name...like, "Does that translate to "Total Ass'?" but that'd be shooting Assies in a barrel) reveals his other complaint-lodging methods:

1. Annoyed that the dry cleaner did not adequately remove the Champagne stain from his eggshell-colored dickey, Touti tore the dickey into several pieces then rammed his Silverado into the dry cleaner's shop, trapping three employees behind the Martinizing machine.


2. Upset that his new MacBook Air could not fit into the inter-office envelope he brought, not realizing that it was a letter-sized envelope, not a #10, in the commercial, Touti smashed his laptop on the floor then rammed his Silverado into the Green Acres Mall Apple Store, trapping three hipster employees behind the new iMac.


3. Disappointed in himself for his inability to manage anger properly, Touti turned his Silverado into a time machine, went back in time 10 minutes, and rammed the Silverado into Touti From The Past, pinning him against the Silverado From The Past.
   

This Was at a Practice; Imagine If It Were at an Official Game

Criminally Retarded



Like something out of a Warner Brothers cartoon, some idiot (from Selden, naturally) caused a fire by trying to steal gas by drilling into a the gas tank. (Interestingly, it took TWO Newsday reporters to write the story. How complicated could it have been?)

Other schemes this moron has hatched:
• Placing FOR SALE signs with his phone number on the front lawns of houses not actualy for sale.
• Grave robbing for eBay.
• Attempting to break into the main offices of Slomin's Home Security.
• Holding up a bakery because he heard "They got a lotta dough there."

Talk About "Stand By Your Man"! Part II

Most Long Island housewives would leave their husbands if the guys left the toilet seat up two days in a row, yet for the second consecutive day, Newsday reports on another guy who tried to have his woman (in this case, his fiancee) killed (but got busted because the guy he hired was an undercover cop, duh) only to have the loyal lady defend the guy in court!

We need more women like the former Mary Jo Buttafuoco! (She left Joey, and he didn't even technically try to kill her!)

Talk About "Stand By Your Man"!

We continue to be fascinated by the story of the guy who hired a hitman to kill his wife (only the hit man turned out to be an undercover cop).


In what is setting back something (women's lib? marriage?) several hundred years, the wife/target is not only supporting her husband, but is refusing to cooperate with the prosecution.

This despite her husband being quoted as wanting a thorough job: "Make sure you finish her off, because I don't want to be stuck with a vegetable," he said, accoriding to the prosecutor.

We think it's a little too late for that.

The Video Camera Should Have Tipped You Off

Once again, a man has been arrested for trying to hire a hitman to kill his wife, and once again, the man was arrested because the hit man happened to be an undercover cop who videotaped the whole transaction.

While we at Long Island Nation do not approve of people offing their spouses, we less approve of people who fail to do a job correctly.


Not that we have any experience in this regard (though we might have entertained the idea from time to time), we assume that you'd probably want to perform some due diligence when interviewing your prospective hitman:

1. Ask him if he's ever whacked anyone before. (Make sure you say "whacked"; it means you mean BUSINESS!)

2. Ask him if he has references who can confirm he has the ability to cold-bloodedly murder a total stranger.

3. Ask him what his method is. If it's a garotte, he may be too old-school for you.

4. And in passing, ask him if he, um, HAPPENS TO BE AN UNDERCOVER COP.

How LI Pales to NYC, Part I

In New York City, or as we call it in Long Islandese, "The City," they have real robberies. Like people trying to steal gold and shit. Here on Long Island, we have this:


If only they got away with it. They could have moved up the crime foodchain to stealing powdered dimes!

Start by Asking for References, Like the Names of Other People the Guy's Killed

Some guy from North Bellmore (that alone should send up a warning flare) was busted for trying to have his wife killed. The hitman he tried to hire turned out to be an undercover cop.

Is it just us, or is this like the jillionth time a guy got busted for trying to hire a hitman that was actually an undercover cop? We suggest next time, when interviewing the potential assassin, asking some pointed questions, like, oh, maybe..."Are you an undercover cop?"