Compare and Contrast

So. Thanks to the box showing what's "most popular" and "most e-mailed" on the home pages of media Web sites, you can get an idea of the type of readership that's, uh, reading.

This is the "most e-mailed" for today's New York Times:


No surprise. Something on insurance, a few of the Times' blowhard lefty columnists who preach to the choir, and a couple of articles covering hot-button issues in the news today. In some ways there's no reason for the readers to e-mail these stories because the readers' likeminded friends probably read these articles already.

Now let's look at the "most e-mailed" articles from our hometown paper:


That's right, folks, the duck. They moved the duck. It didn't break or anything. Let's e-mail that story to all our friends!

And how can that be more interesting than a sex-stung cardiologist or a fake grenade?

Newsday-Cover Headline Contest (No, It's Not Really a Contest)


Our entries:

1. Beach Bums
2. Two Whales Spotted on South Shore
3. What Would Their Children Look Like?
   
4. Greedy and Greedier
5. Where's a Harpoon When You Need One?

Some Headline Writer Is Having a Good Laugh Right Now



Because skirt + gay issues = FUNN-AY!!!

We Probably Would Have Considered the Billy Club Instead

They Said the Same Thing About Tutankhamun


The difficult part was deciphering what he was saying while wrapped in layers of white linen and canvas.

A Corny Mistake

Newsday ran this headline this morning:


But if that headline WERE accurate, we don't think we'd want to read the rest of the story.

It Will Replace the Wedding Photo on Our Nightstand

Newsday blasted a huge LIRR gap special today, and on the Web they solicit photos of gaps throughout the system. If you're disappointed that you don't live near a gap-plagued line, or if you want your friends to think you're weird, the newspaper offers this:



That's right! Buy yourself a nice glossy print! Put it next to photos of your gap-related injury when you decide to sue!

Newsday Headline Writer Defines "Irony"

No further comment required on this one:

Breaking News: Doc Gooden Tells Melky Cabrera, "Stay Away From Cocaine"

Big local sports news last night. The Islanders defeated a gutsy and depleted Rangers team at the Garden. The Isles' Jason Blake had a hat trick, and the Rangers came back from a 4-1 deficit but fell short in an exciting game.

And with the Knicks off last night and the Giants and Jets not doing anything this week other than preparing for games several days from now, surely the Islanders-Rangers game would be on the back page of Newsday, the Long Island paper of record (keep dreaming, LI Press). The Island is full of both Islander and Ranger fans, so whenever these two teams tangle, there's gonna be lots of chatter the next day.

So naturally, this was Newsday's back cover today:


If you squint real close, you can see that there was a hockey game last night.

Meanwhile, we are treated to some Ken Davidoff interview with Darryl Strawberry where he says that Jeter should be nicer to A-Rod. (Duh.) The article, which runs on the prime left-hand page behind the cover, is merely a half-page of text illustrated with a gigantic photo of the circa mid-1980s Mets smiling in the dugout, showing what a happy family they were. (We guess a photo of those same Mets boozing and brawling with each other wasn't available.)

On the right-hand page we get an article on the Mets (the current Mets) trying to get Barry Zito (which we grant is somewhat relevant, though the Zito saga will likely run for days), and some article from the AP wire where Pete Rose says Mark McGwire belongs in the Hall of Fame, which is as newsworthy as the late Pinochet saying Pol Pot deserves the Nobel Peace Prize.

Oh, to get to the Isles-Rangers coverage, you have to dig three pages deeper, past articles on the Giants, Jets, Knicks, and the Denver Nuggets (who acquired Allen Iverson).

Thank you, hometown paper!

The Flavor of Depressing

There's a Newsday bulletin board where discussion has been ongoing for a couple of months. The issue? Not Iraq, property taxes, or Al D'Amato's mansion, but the TV show "Flavor of Love," as debated on Newsday's Impulse entertainment site, where participants display their intelligence, wit, and love for discourse.

Here's a quick summary. Someone suggests which girl Mr. Flav should choose.

But another reader provides a counterpoint.


Someone else clouds the issue.

And then we're off on a tangent.


We're steered back into the debate.

And a new issue is raised!


Seconded.


Thirded.


Back to the original subject at hand.

A devil's advocate arrives.


And we return to another point of inquiry.


Finally, some clarification!


And further explanation.


Finally, we're drawn to a conclusion.


And just in case we didn't understand the last post...


May we ALL receive heaven-sent Flavor Flavs this holiday season.

Here's a Big Idea: Create a Real Forum!

Joye Brown has asked for your big ideas. But where do you post them? Newsday's site serves content the way food would look served on dishes thrown down a flight of stairs and glued back together by a guy wearing mittens, so it's no surprise they didn't create a special forum that would funnel all discussion of the topic.



How will I know that someone else doesn't have the idea of putting a big bubble over Suffolk County? (It will keep the temperature at an even 68 degrees, plus keep out dem dam illegals!) I'll have to go to FIVE (and counting) different forum boards to check!

And yes, we know the way to Pace University (the downtown, midtown, AND Pleasantville campuses!). We just don't know the way to the right forum!

You Asked for It, Joye Brown

Joye Browne, practically the only remaining "neighborhood" columnist at Newsday, requested "big ideas" from her readers. And boy, have they have responded:

It might be quicker to go east, around the world, and then through Manhattan:


Someone concludes his laundry list with an idea for the columnist:


Someone asks Newsday to first look in its own backyard...

...while someone else suggests Joye look in her own backyard.

We get the typical ALL CAPS RANTS THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO READ WITHOUT EYEBALL HEMORRHAGING.

Joye's comments about the Suffolk courthouse being the "ugliest federal courthouse on the planet" draws this response:


But she is quickly defended!

And then—

We gave up after this. Maybe some of us should keep our ideas to ourselves.

Liberal-Bias Accusations Replaced by Projectile-Ignorance Accusations

And the readers are fuming mad at Newsday again, but not because of the paper's alleged lockstep with the liberal hordes. This time, it's because the paper's reporters don't know the difference between a crossbow and a compound bow. Why this should even be an issue on Long Island is beyond us.


Right. Now it is so totally a conspiracy.

Seller's Desperation

Newsday has recently revamped its real estate section to include a one-page feature entitled Why You Should Buy My House in [Your Town]. Here you'll find a last-ditch effort by the highlighted homeowners to dump their overpriced, overtaxed money pits (STAR deduction notwithstanding) on a new flock of suckers (Long Island Nation staff included) who would rather survive paycheck-to-paycheck in a Port Washington split than live the high life in a custom-built, center-foyer Colonial in Buttfuck, Pennsylvania (those Poconos pipe dreams are mostly scams, by the way).

The article usually features the home's basic specs (asking price, taxes, what other homes in the area have recently sold for, and the amount of time it's been on the market), as well as a litany of often-poignant tales of how many children were sired in the amorous abode, immaculate images of the interior and exterior, and a stiff, posed shot of the homeowners themselves sporting pleading, pained expressions that seem to emote, "Please take this financial drain off our hands so we can retire to Miami Beach."

Today's "Why You Should Buy My House" showcases a plea to purchase a pleasant-enough-looking dwelling in Commack, which immediately raised our ire, since the writers of this particular item also have a home in Commack that we'd be willing to part with for the right amount of wampum. And we think they could have listed some better reasons for buying in Commack than a house that boasts a fieldstone fireplace and banquet-sized dining room.


Why You Should Buy OUR House in Commack

1. Beautiful harvest-gold kitchen circa 1973 (perfect decor for the upcoming autumnal equinox!


2. Large, crabgrass-ridden 0.33-acre lot that takes hours to mow


3. Ultra-sexy location right down the road from the Commack Motor Inn.


4. Proximity to not one, but TWO Targets, two Home Depots, and the verdant Hoyt Farm, which is within walking distance but to which we're denied access because we're Town of Huntington residents, not Town of Smithtown residents.


5. Forget about through-the-roof SAT scores and Regents scholarships: Commack High School (SD 10) claims both Rosie O'Donnell and Bob Costas among its esteemed alumni.