Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Piping Plovers, We Got Your Back!

This is insanity -- some would even call it madness!! Feral cats are on the loose at Cedar Beach, posing a threat to the precious endangered piping plover.

But the township is already on the case, hoping to commission Nuisance Wildlife Control to the dunes to capture up to 20 cats a day, at a sweet price of $650 a day. Figure you can nab two cats per hour (c'mon, how hard could it be), so that works out to be around $65 an hour -- that's better than what we make as editors!

The trapper, according to the Newsday article, would trap the felines with food and then bring them over to the local animal shelter for spaying or neutering. Any way we can set them loose in Sam Zell's office instead?

Monday, April 07, 2008

He Really Didn't Want FiOS....
We don't know if this is an extreme example of Cablevision loyalty or someone simply having a beef with his landlord, but here's an interesting tidbit on a guy who booby-trapped his apartment with a crutch, an elastic cord, and a knife.

The first line of the Newsday article says it all.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

The Car Rolling Over and Over Sounded Like the Theme Song to "Seinfeld"

What's the deal with the word "brakes"? It sounds like the word "breaks"! A bit too close for comfort, if you ask ME! It's like when you're driving your car fast, and you want to stop, either your car BRAKES, or your car BREAKS! Which is it?

What you need, Jerry, is anti-lock brakes.

Anti-lock brakes? Are locking brakes bad?

Oh yeah, Jerry. Very bad.

And anti-lock brakes?

They don't lock. They can't lock. They're--

Anti-lock brakes. I get it.

My car ALWAYS breaks.

(Cackles loudly.)

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

The Good News Is, the Bank Waived All the ATM Fees

Monday, March 31, 2008

Because Smashing the Truck Into Things Works Better Than Simoniz-ing

A look into the recent history of Assi Touti (we'd crack a joke about his name...like, "Does that translate to "Total Ass'?" but that'd be shooting Assies in a barrel) reveals his other complaint-lodging methods:

  1. Annoyed that the dry cleaner did not adequately remove the Champagne stain from his eggshell-colored dickey, Touti tore the dickey into several pieces then rammed his Silverado into the dry cleaner's shop, trapping three employees behind the Martinizing machine.

  2. Upset that his new MacBook Air could not fit into the inter-office envelope he brought, not realizing that it was a letter-sized envelope, not a #10, in the commercial, Touti smashed his laptop on the floor then rammed his Silverado into the Green Acres Mall Apple Store, trapping three hipster employees behind the new iMac.

  3. Disappointed in himself for his inability to manage anger properly, Touti turned his Silverado into a time machine, went back in time 10 minutes, and rammed the Silverado into Touti From The Past, pinning him against the Silverado From The Past.
His Wife Was Nabbed at the Lidz Store, Cowering Beneath an XXXL Kangol Cap

What they should have been protesting at the Smith Haven Mall:

  1. The price for a slice of Sbarro's pizza, which sucks at any price.

  2. The complicated waiting-for-a-table system at Cheesecake Factory.

  3. The fact that Victoria's Secret models do not work at Victoria Secret, and that the actual workers at Victoria's Secret get mad and sometimes ask you to leave when you complain about this fact.

  4. Hot Topic, and the kids who shop there.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Sight of Two LIRR Trains Humping Causes Delays, Revulsion

Or, LIRR train tries to do to another LIRR train what the LIRR has been doing to its riders for years!

Monday, November 05, 2007

We're Suspicious About the Other 1,499!

Newsday sports columnist Jim Baumbach argues that Islanders legend Al Arbour doesn't deserve credit for the win that gave him the nice round number of 1,500 career victories.

Some readers disagree, and voice their disagreement with the intelligence for which Newsday's irate readers are known.

This fellow must be commending Baumbach's work ethic, calling him an "I Do It."

In Hillside, New Jersey, "go cut lawns" must be the equivalent of "your mother" in other parts of the country.

On Long Island, however, being accused of Rangers fandom is the biggest insult of all. Unless you're a Rangers fan.