Sight of Two LIRR Trains Humping Causes Delays, Revulsion


Or, LIRR train tries to do to another LIRR train what the LIRR has been doing to its riders for years!

If the Trains Go Just 5 MPH, Mission Accomplished!

Charles Bronson Would Love Him, If Charles Bronson Weren't Dead

Behold this man.


This is John Clifford. He rides the LIRR. He doesn't like noisy riders. Most people don't like noisy riders, even the ones who are making noise and don't realize that they're bothering everyone else.


We often get stuck sitting next to some jackass with his iPod headphones on so loud that we can clearly hear his playlist, which is likely named "Gay Songs of the 1980s." And we sit there and stew. Or we move our seat. But not John Clifford.



According to this very curious profile, John Clifford has punched one woman, poured coffee on another, and extracted other sorts of inconvenienced-commuter revenge several times. So if you ride the train with this man, John Clifford, turn down your iPod, don't slurp your coffee, watch how loud you type on your laptop, and if you fall asleep, don't you dare snore...


'Cause John Clifford's gonna get ya.

Attention, Riders: Watch the Glitch!


The LIRR said that the glitch is also responsible for late trains, dirty trains, broken trains, and people falling through the gap.

On an unrelated note, the LIRR also announced that it no longer has that "budget windfall" it announced the day before the glitch was discovered.

And Then They'll Need Another $1.7 Mil to Remove the Sand in the Spring

Definition of "Blind Leading the Blind"


And at least we know there's no danger of Richie Kessel falling through the gap! RIMSHOT for the obvious fat joke!

The Next Hearing Is Scheduled for February 31

The LIRR held hearings about the gap issue. Nice. Of course, they decided to hold the hearings on a weekday morning, which is when like 80 percent of its ridership will be at work, in the City, assuming they haven't already fallen through the gaps during their morning commute.

The article also mentions a group called Residents for a More Beautiful Syosset. We wonder if there's an opposing group that likes things the way they are, like Apathetics for an Ugly Stretch of Strip Malls Along Jericho Turnpike by Route 135.

It Will Replace the Wedding Photo on Our Nightstand

Newsday blasted a huge LIRR gap special today, and on the Web they solicit photos of gaps throughout the system. If you're disappointed that you don't live near a gap-plagued line, or if you want your friends to think you're weird, the newspaper offers this:



That's right! Buy yourself a nice glossy print! Put it next to photos of your gap-related injury when you decide to sue!

In a Three-Way Race, We're Surprised They Didn't Come in Fourth Place




So an LIRR union is mad that former New York Post owner/real estate titan/MTA chairman Peter Kalikow called the railroad "third-best" in the metro area. Yesterday, United Transportation Union general chairman Anthony Simon drafted a letter responding to Kalikow's comments to a Newsday columnist that the LIRR "is the third-best railroad in the metropolitan area" behind Metro-North and the city's subway system.

Instead of trying to move up in Kalikow's personal rankings by improving service or cleaning the cars better or preventing more people from falling through gaps, the union's head wrote a letter:

"I must say, it took me hours to calm down before being able to gather my thoughts and deliver them to you," [United Transportation Union general chairman Anthony] Simon wrote.

"Hours"? So that's why our trains are always late!