Piping Plovers, We Got Your Back!

This is insanity -- some would even call it madness!! Feral cats are on the loose at Cedar Beach, posing a threat to the precious endangered piping plover.

But the township is already on the case, hoping to commission Nuisance Wildlife Control to the dunes to capture up to 20 cats a day, at a sweet price of $650 a day. Figure you can nab two cats per hour (c'mon, how hard could it be), so that works out to be around $65 an hour -- that's better than what we make as editors!

The trapper, according to the Newsday article, would trap the felines with food and then bring them over to the local animal shelter for spaying or neutering. Any way we can set them loose in Sam Zell's office instead?

He Really Didn't Want FiOS....

We don't know if this is an extreme example of Cablevision loyalty or someone simply having a beef with his landlord, but here's an interesting tidbit on a guy who booby-trapped his apartment with a crutch, an elastic cord, and a knife.

The first line of the Newsday article says it all.

The Car Rolling Over and Over Sounded Like the Theme Song to "Seinfeld"



JERRY
What's the deal with the word "brakes"? It sounds like the word "breaks"! A bit too close for comfort, if you ask ME! It's like when you're driving your car fast, and you want to stop, either your car BRAKES, or your car BREAKS! Which is it?

KRAMER
What you need, Jerry, is anti-lock brakes.

JERRY
Anti-lock brakes? Are locking brakes bad?

KRAMER
Oh yeah, Jerry. Very bad.

JERRY
And anti-lock brakes?

KRAMER
They don't lock. They can't lock. They're--

JERRY
Anti-lock brakes. I get it.

GEORGE
My car ALWAYS breaks.

ELAINE
(Cackles loudly.)

The Good News Is, the Bank Waived All the ATM Fees

Because Smashing the Truck Into Things Works Better Than Simoniz-ing


A look into the recent history of Assi Touti (we'd crack a joke about his name...like, "Does that translate to "Total Ass'?" but that'd be shooting Assies in a barrel) reveals his other complaint-lodging methods:

1. Annoyed that the dry cleaner did not adequately remove the Champagne stain from his eggshell-colored dickey, Touti tore the dickey into several pieces then rammed his Silverado into the dry cleaner's shop, trapping three employees behind the Martinizing machine.


2. Upset that his new MacBook Air could not fit into the inter-office envelope he brought, not realizing that it was a letter-sized envelope, not a #10, in the commercial, Touti smashed his laptop on the floor then rammed his Silverado into the Green Acres Mall Apple Store, trapping three hipster employees behind the new iMac.


3. Disappointed in himself for his inability to manage anger properly, Touti turned his Silverado into a time machine, went back in time 10 minutes, and rammed the Silverado into Touti From The Past, pinning him against the Silverado From The Past.
   

His Wife Was Nabbed at the Lidz Store, Cowering Beneath an XXXL Kangol Cap


What they should have been protesting at the Smith Haven Mall:

1. The price for a slice of Sbarro's pizza, which sucks at any price.


2. The complicated waiting-for-a-table system at Cheesecake Factory.


3. The fact that Victoria's Secret models do not work at Victoria Secret, and that the actual workers at Victoria's Secret get mad and sometimes ask you to leave when you complain about this fact.


4. Hot Topic, and the kids who shop there.

Sight of Two LIRR Trains Humping Causes Delays, Revulsion


Or, LIRR train tries to do to another LIRR train what the LIRR has been doing to its riders for years!