Because Smashing the Truck Into Things Works Better Than Simoniz-ing


A look into the recent history of Assi Touti (we'd crack a joke about his name...like, "Does that translate to "Total Ass'?" but that'd be shooting Assies in a barrel) reveals his other complaint-lodging methods:

1. Annoyed that the dry cleaner did not adequately remove the Champagne stain from his eggshell-colored dickey, Touti tore the dickey into several pieces then rammed his Silverado into the dry cleaner's shop, trapping three employees behind the Martinizing machine.


2. Upset that his new MacBook Air could not fit into the inter-office envelope he brought, not realizing that it was a letter-sized envelope, not a #10, in the commercial, Touti smashed his laptop on the floor then rammed his Silverado into the Green Acres Mall Apple Store, trapping three hipster employees behind the new iMac.


3. Disappointed in himself for his inability to manage anger properly, Touti turned his Silverado into a time machine, went back in time 10 minutes, and rammed the Silverado into Touti From The Past, pinning him against the Silverado From The Past.
   

His Wife Was Nabbed at the Lidz Store, Cowering Beneath an XXXL Kangol Cap


What they should have been protesting at the Smith Haven Mall:

1. The price for a slice of Sbarro's pizza, which sucks at any price.


2. The complicated waiting-for-a-table system at Cheesecake Factory.


3. The fact that Victoria's Secret models do not work at Victoria Secret, and that the actual workers at Victoria's Secret get mad and sometimes ask you to leave when you complain about this fact.


4. Hot Topic, and the kids who shop there.

Sight of Two LIRR Trains Humping Causes Delays, Revulsion


Or, LIRR train tries to do to another LIRR train what the LIRR has been doing to its riders for years!