Oops!

So LIPA's Richard Kessel resigned his CEO post (while still remaining chairman and collecting the CEO's $165,000+ salary) nine months ago, and never told anyone.

This from a guy who's drawn to a microphone like geeks to a Rush concert at Jones Beach. According to Newsday:

Asked why there was no public release, he said, "I didn't see any reason to do it."

Turns out there were a few other things Kessel has found no reason to publicly disclose:

1. He owns a solar-powered applause machine that he hides behind the podium during his ubiquitous press conferences.
2. He is working behind the scenes to kill Donald Trump's plans for a high-end restaurant at Jones Beach because he wants a Ponderosa with an all-you-can-eat buffet.
3. He is the reason all the chicken-salad sandwiches have gone missing from refrigerators in the LIPA cafeterias.
   

What Would Castellano Have Said About This Kind of Drug Trafficking?

Oftentimes we'll be driving along Jericho Turnpike in Huntington and notice what looks like a auto-wreck garage but with the name "Gotti Tans." And we're like, it can't be that Gotti.

Turns out, it is.

And it's owned by Frank "Gotti," whose real last name is Agnello, the 16-year-old grandson of mobster/Brioni-suit-wearing fashion icon/thief and murderer John Gotti. (We assume Frank figured "Agnello Tans," while more accurate, isn't as catchy a name.) The kid got pinched when the cops found drugs in his car. And by "drugs," we mean OxyContin tablets.

We think that more important than the drugs is the fact that he was driving two friends: one was 17, the other a juvenile. Drivers with a junior license ae not allowed to drive with more than two passengers under the age of 21 unless they are members of the immediate family. If we got caught doing that, Dad would have snatched the keys from our grubby mitts. (Frank's dad, Carmine, once referred to as a "moron" by his late father-in-law, is currently serving a racketeering sentence in prison.)

But the kid is doing a lot more than we did at age 16. Not only does he own a tanning salon, he's the author of a book called The Gotti Diet. And he got arrested!

Curiously, he was driving a 2006 Chrysler Pacifica. Which is like a glorified station wagon. Guess he's not so goomba after all.

There's Crazy, and Then There's Cah-RAY-zeeeee....

"Mental illness. Thought process disorder. No empathy. Malignant narcissism."

Judith Regan's self-diagnosis during weekly therapy sessions? No, these are the DSM-IV categorizations that the ambulance-chasing publisher uses to describe O.J. Simpson in her latest statement responding to criticism about her decision to publish The Juice's "hypothetical" tell-all book "If I Did It."

However, a quick scread of the 11706-native's raving, Percocet-fueled manifesto reveals that perhaps the Island has spawned another veritable whackjob the likes of which haven't been seen since John Spano thought he'd tap into his nonexistent petty cash fund and purchase a local NHL franchise.

Second Floor: Lazy, Spoiled Rich People

Meet Lucy Ghazvini. She's 38 and lives in Brookville. And, oh yeah, she and her husband installed a fuckin' elevator in their house. Newsday (which notes that the couple have no physical limitations, lest you think we're picking on the disabled) sez:

...the couple's live-in maid finds it handy when carting laundry up from the basement.

Good thing the Ghazvinis have a maid. Because Lucy's a "homemaker" (we assume she must be cleaning the toilets while the maid's doing the laundry) and maybe if she didn't wear that scarf so tight, she'd get more oxygen to her brain and she'd be able to actually walk up a flight of stairs without getting out of breath.

First Act of Office: Place National Earthquake Center Along San Andreas Fault

To the surprise of no one since, oh, 2002, "America's Mayor" (try saying that with a straight face) Rudy Giuliani is running for president. There's probably a joke in there somewhere, but we're feeling lazy this morning and will instead do a cheap "separated at birth" thingy:

Wow. That was fun. Here's another one featuring greedy cue-ball Dick Grasso:

Proof That Gun Control Might Not Reduce Violent Crime

Soon Long Islanders will be forced off the Island not because of high taxes or unaffordable housing, but because of the increase in murders committed by bizarre weapons (see also previous post).

As Opposed to Those Gentle Misdemeanors Involving a Samurai Sword

Don't Forget Who's Still Sitting Pretty in Oyster Wang, I Mean Bay

Sanjay Kumar is going to jail for 12 years.

To put the sentence in perspective: if Charlie Wang's former protege serves the full term, there will STILL BE THREE YEARS LEFT on the contract Charlie gave Rick DiPietro.