Whoop-Ass by the Water

So it looks like the Ocean Beach police force has gotten themselves into a little bit of hot water, fending off a slew of brutality lawsuits and defending an adherence to the town's regulations with what some have called "a stormtrooper mentality."

The locals don't understand what the big deal is. To quote today's Newsday article on the topic:

"Occasionally, someone gets hurt and decides to sue the police department, for whatever reason," said Gerard Stoddard, president of the Fire Island Association.

We don't get it, either. Whatever could the reason be for the lawsuit from a New Jersey tourist who visited the Land of No last summer? Just because his bladder was forcibly ruptured after being arrested for littering doesn't mean he should act like such a pussy.

"To me, they [police] understand what the problems are, and are reasonable about trying to keep the peace and strike the balance," continues Stoddard—not to mention striking (and bruising) the trachea of an Amityville construction worker who happened to be a bystander watching ANOTHER perp get the bejeezus kicked out of him for staying in a room not rented under his own name.

We're looking forward to witnessing the comeuppance of future violators of some of OB's other statutes, including eating cookies on public walkways and riding bicycles on Saturdays and Sundays (both illegal).

And we hear that the town is looking to pass a new ordinance: If you get caught with possession of sand while walking on the beach, cops can pierce your pancreas with a lifeguard flag.