Piping Plovers, We Got Your Back!

This is insanity -- some would even call it madness!! Feral cats are on the loose at Cedar Beach, posing a threat to the precious endangered piping plover.

But the township is already on the case, hoping to commission Nuisance Wildlife Control to the dunes to capture up to 20 cats a day, at a sweet price of $650 a day. Figure you can nab two cats per hour (c'mon, how hard could it be), so that works out to be around $65 an hour -- that's better than what we make as editors!

The trapper, according to the Newsday article, would trap the felines with food and then bring them over to the local animal shelter for spaying or neutering. Any way we can set them loose in Sam Zell's office instead?

He Really Didn't Want FiOS....

We don't know if this is an extreme example of Cablevision loyalty or someone simply having a beef with his landlord, but here's an interesting tidbit on a guy who booby-trapped his apartment with a crutch, an elastic cord, and a knife.

The first line of the Newsday article says it all.

The Car Rolling Over and Over Sounded Like the Theme Song to "Seinfeld"



JERRY
What's the deal with the word "brakes"? It sounds like the word "breaks"! A bit too close for comfort, if you ask ME! It's like when you're driving your car fast, and you want to stop, either your car BRAKES, or your car BREAKS! Which is it?

KRAMER
What you need, Jerry, is anti-lock brakes.

JERRY
Anti-lock brakes? Are locking brakes bad?

KRAMER
Oh yeah, Jerry. Very bad.

JERRY
And anti-lock brakes?

KRAMER
They don't lock. They can't lock. They're--

JERRY
Anti-lock brakes. I get it.

GEORGE
My car ALWAYS breaks.

ELAINE
(Cackles loudly.)

The Good News Is, the Bank Waived All the ATM Fees

Because Smashing the Truck Into Things Works Better Than Simoniz-ing


A look into the recent history of Assi Touti (we'd crack a joke about his name...like, "Does that translate to "Total Ass'?" but that'd be shooting Assies in a barrel) reveals his other complaint-lodging methods:

1. Annoyed that the dry cleaner did not adequately remove the Champagne stain from his eggshell-colored dickey, Touti tore the dickey into several pieces then rammed his Silverado into the dry cleaner's shop, trapping three employees behind the Martinizing machine.


2. Upset that his new MacBook Air could not fit into the inter-office envelope he brought, not realizing that it was a letter-sized envelope, not a #10, in the commercial, Touti smashed his laptop on the floor then rammed his Silverado into the Green Acres Mall Apple Store, trapping three hipster employees behind the new iMac.


3. Disappointed in himself for his inability to manage anger properly, Touti turned his Silverado into a time machine, went back in time 10 minutes, and rammed the Silverado into Touti From The Past, pinning him against the Silverado From The Past.
   

His Wife Was Nabbed at the Lidz Store, Cowering Beneath an XXXL Kangol Cap


What they should have been protesting at the Smith Haven Mall:

1. The price for a slice of Sbarro's pizza, which sucks at any price.


2. The complicated waiting-for-a-table system at Cheesecake Factory.


3. The fact that Victoria's Secret models do not work at Victoria Secret, and that the actual workers at Victoria's Secret get mad and sometimes ask you to leave when you complain about this fact.


4. Hot Topic, and the kids who shop there.

Sight of Two LIRR Trains Humping Causes Delays, Revulsion


Or, LIRR train tries to do to another LIRR train what the LIRR has been doing to its riders for years!

We're Suspicious About the Other 1,499!

Newsday sports columnist Jim Baumbach argues that Islanders legend Al Arbour doesn't deserve credit for the win that gave him the nice round number of 1,500 career victories.


Some readers disagree, and voice their disagreement with the intelligence for which Newsday's irate readers are known.

This fellow must be commending Baumbach's work ethic, calling him an "I Do It."


In Hillside, New Jersey, "go cut lawns" must be the equivalent of "your mother" in other parts of the country.


On Long Island, however, being accused of Rangers fandom is the biggest insult of all. Unless you're a Rangers fan.

Lawyer Also Argues: "Since When Is Slavery a Crime? Oh, Wait..."


The saga of the alleged Slave Owners of Muttontown continues. In this latest chapter, we meet the classy lawyers for the Sabhnanis. Here's one of their crazier statements.


Because nothing will get the compassion of a jury and the community like comparing a family of rich snobs and spoiled daughters to victims of a devastating natural disaster.

He Only AXED for Change of a Dollar

And in Other News, Your Cable Bill Has Tripled



Not much to say about this, other than it's a good excuse to post photos of the Dolans.

Saying, "My Other Husband Has the Same Tie!" Was the Tipoff


We never understood the whole bigamy thing. Having just one spouse is hard enough on our sanity and wallet, not to mention that whole "I have to go on a little 'business trip'" thing you have to do every weekend.

(Plus, that polygamy show on HBO? Borrr-ing!)

Two sets of in-laws, potentially two sets of alimony. Who needs it? Sure, there's (likely) extra sex, but the downsides are just two much. We mean, TOO much.


One wonders what tipped off the Long Island husband. Maybe it was when she bought him an anniversary gift seven months early or spent her sixth consecutive weekend in Connecticut to see "family" (which wasn't exactly a lie).


What was she doing? Baking herself another wedding cake?

Will Any of CSH Lab's Black Employees "Deal With" Dr. Waston?


As Cold Spring Harbor Laboratory decides the fate of Nobel Prize-winner James Watson, whose recent comments include saying that he'd to think all people are equal, but "people who have to deal with black employees find this is not true."

Perhaps he's talking about Wal-Mart!

Yet There Never Seems to Be a Hot Dog Shortage

Good news for oysters!


Bad news for oysters!

This Was at a Practice; Imagine If It Were at an Official Game

If the Trains Go Just 5 MPH, Mission Accomplished!

Charles Bronson Would Love Him, If Charles Bronson Weren't Dead

Behold this man.


This is John Clifford. He rides the LIRR. He doesn't like noisy riders. Most people don't like noisy riders, even the ones who are making noise and don't realize that they're bothering everyone else.


We often get stuck sitting next to some jackass with his iPod headphones on so loud that we can clearly hear his playlist, which is likely named "Gay Songs of the 1980s." And we sit there and stew. Or we move our seat. But not John Clifford.



According to this very curious profile, John Clifford has punched one woman, poured coffee on another, and extracted other sorts of inconvenienced-commuter revenge several times. So if you ride the train with this man, John Clifford, turn down your iPod, don't slurp your coffee, watch how loud you type on your laptop, and if you fall asleep, don't you dare snore...


'Cause John Clifford's gonna get ya.

We Thought This Was About Richie Kessel's Laryngitis

Half a Mil to Tell You What You Already Know: There's Traffic


Your tax dollars (specifically, 450,000 of them) are at work powering a sign on the Northern State Parkway that can tell you how long it'll take you to get to the Sag or Route 111 from Exit 40. At first, the sign wasn't even working properly. On the bright side, the design of the sign shows that someone's planned ahead: there's room for a third digit.

Childhood Obesity Is Really Getting Out of Hand