Child, Thy Name Is Lard Ass:
The Roslyn Cluster-Fuck, Er, Cluster-Stop Conundrum

We know their backpacks are super-heavy. We're well-aware that they may need to conserve their energy for after-school PlayStation marathons. But the schoolchildren of Roslyn surely have the stamina and athletic ability to make it to and from the corner for their daily busride -- don't they? Not if you ask their outraged parents, who are up in arms over a recent change in the district's schoolbus pickup/dropoff itinerary. Now, in an effort to save money in the beleaguered district, each child will no longer be picked up directly in front of his or her McMansion; instead, the nonperambulating mouthbreathers will be forced to walk to -- GASP! -- a nearby corner to nab a ride on Big Yellow.

C'mon, people, gas prices are at an all-time low, so if you've got a problem with your progeny having to venture past the end of your driveway, fire up the H3, postpone your manicure till after lunch, and drive them to school yourselves.

Besides, what's the worst that can happen? If you're lucky, your exhausted cherubs will be so pooped from their eighth-of-a-mile exodus that they'll fall asleep on the bus and go missing.