Seller's Desperation

Newsday has recently revamped its real estate section to include a one-page feature entitled Why You Should Buy My House in [Your Town]. Here you'll find a last-ditch effort by the highlighted homeowners to dump their overpriced, overtaxed money pits (STAR deduction notwithstanding) on a new flock of suckers (Long Island Nation staff included) who would rather survive paycheck-to-paycheck in a Port Washington split than live the high life in a custom-built, center-foyer Colonial in Buttfuck, Pennsylvania (those Poconos pipe dreams are mostly scams, by the way).

The article usually features the home's basic specs (asking price, taxes, what other homes in the area have recently sold for, and the amount of time it's been on the market), as well as a litany of often-poignant tales of how many children were sired in the amorous abode, immaculate images of the interior and exterior, and a stiff, posed shot of the homeowners themselves sporting pleading, pained expressions that seem to emote, "Please take this financial drain off our hands so we can retire to Miami Beach."

Today's "Why You Should Buy My House" showcases a plea to purchase a pleasant-enough-looking dwelling in Commack, which immediately raised our ire, since the writers of this particular item also have a home in Commack that we'd be willing to part with for the right amount of wampum. And we think they could have listed some better reasons for buying in Commack than a house that boasts a fieldstone fireplace and banquet-sized dining room.


Why You Should Buy OUR House in Commack

1. Beautiful harvest-gold kitchen circa 1973 (perfect decor for the upcoming autumnal equinox!


2. Large, crabgrass-ridden 0.33-acre lot that takes hours to mow


3. Ultra-sexy location right down the road from the Commack Motor Inn.


4. Proximity to not one, but TWO Targets, two Home Depots, and the verdant Hoyt Farm, which is within walking distance but to which we're denied access because we're Town of Huntington residents, not Town of Smithtown residents.


5. Forget about through-the-roof SAT scores and Regents scholarships: Commack High School (SD 10) claims both Rosie O'Donnell and Bob Costas among its esteemed alumni.