Next Stop: Go Screw Yourself

A recent epidemic of school bus drivers misplacing children has been plaguing Long Island. Newsday’s been on top of it. But the real problem is not the bus drivers, but the kids falling asleep on the bus.

Who falls asleep on the bus? When we were kids, we had to stay awake to fend off the pack of bullies who tortured us. Who can sleep when you’re sitting on a slippery green vinyl seat (with the occasional duct tape to provide some friction) on a rumbling diesel vehicle that shakes more than Muhammad Ali off-roading in a SUV with stop sign-shaped tires? And why hasn’t Newsday mentioned these other incidents:

• On November 22, 2005, a Long Island Rail Road train leaving Huntington for Penn Station ended up on the observation deck of the Empire State Building. When asked why the train went off course, the conductor replied, "I always wanted to go to the Empire State Building."


• During an Islanders game in 2003, an elevator full of fans at Nassau Coliseum was stuck between floors for the entire second period. Passengers said staring at the closed doors turned out to be more entertaining than the home team flailing on the ice.


• In late 2000, a Southwest Airlines flight coming from Fort Lauderdale was about to land at MacArthur Airport when it turned around and returned to Florida because a co-pilot “left a pen at the Cheeburger Cheeburger stand.”


• On a humid August day in 1996, the Hampton Jitney ended up in Hampton, a small village along the New York-Vermont border, some 300 miles away from the closest Long Island-based Hampton. The bus driver was like, “Hampton, East Hampton, West Hampton, what’s the difference?”


• On October 3, 1905, a carriage hired from the Sayville Livery Concern en route to the Blue Point General Store was rerouted through Browns River in Bayport when the horse pulling the carriage got thirsty.