We're Suspicious About the Other 1,499!

Newsday sports columnist Jim Baumbach argues that Islanders legend Al Arbour doesn't deserve credit for the win that gave him the nice round number of 1,500 career victories.


Some readers disagree, and voice their disagreement with the intelligence for which Newsday's irate readers are known.

This fellow must be commending Baumbach's work ethic, calling him an "I Do It."


In Hillside, New Jersey, "go cut lawns" must be the equivalent of "your mother" in other parts of the country.


On Long Island, however, being accused of Rangers fandom is the biggest insult of all. Unless you're a Rangers fan.

Lawyer Also Argues: "Since When Is Slavery a Crime? Oh, Wait..."


The saga of the alleged Slave Owners of Muttontown continues. In this latest chapter, we meet the classy lawyers for the Sabhnanis. Here's one of their crazier statements.


Because nothing will get the compassion of a jury and the community like comparing a family of rich snobs and spoiled daughters to victims of a devastating natural disaster.

He Only AXED for Change of a Dollar

And in Other News, Your Cable Bill Has Tripled



Not much to say about this, other than it's a good excuse to post photos of the Dolans.

Saying, "My Other Husband Has the Same Tie!" Was the Tipoff


We never understood the whole bigamy thing. Having just one spouse is hard enough on our sanity and wallet, not to mention that whole "I have to go on a little 'business trip'" thing you have to do every weekend.

(Plus, that polygamy show on HBO? Borrr-ing!)

Two sets of in-laws, potentially two sets of alimony. Who needs it? Sure, there's (likely) extra sex, but the downsides are just two much. We mean, TOO much.


One wonders what tipped off the Long Island husband. Maybe it was when she bought him an anniversary gift seven months early or spent her sixth consecutive weekend in Connecticut to see "family" (which wasn't exactly a lie).


What was she doing? Baking herself another wedding cake?

Will Any of CSH Lab's Black Employees "Deal With" Dr. Waston?


As Cold Spring Harbor Laboratory decides the fate of Nobel Prize-winner James Watson, whose recent comments include saying that he'd to think all people are equal, but "people who have to deal with black employees find this is not true."

Perhaps he's talking about Wal-Mart!

Yet There Never Seems to Be a Hot Dog Shortage

Good news for oysters!


Bad news for oysters!

This Was at a Practice; Imagine If It Were at an Official Game

If the Trains Go Just 5 MPH, Mission Accomplished!

Charles Bronson Would Love Him, If Charles Bronson Weren't Dead

Behold this man.


This is John Clifford. He rides the LIRR. He doesn't like noisy riders. Most people don't like noisy riders, even the ones who are making noise and don't realize that they're bothering everyone else.


We often get stuck sitting next to some jackass with his iPod headphones on so loud that we can clearly hear his playlist, which is likely named "Gay Songs of the 1980s." And we sit there and stew. Or we move our seat. But not John Clifford.



According to this very curious profile, John Clifford has punched one woman, poured coffee on another, and extracted other sorts of inconvenienced-commuter revenge several times. So if you ride the train with this man, John Clifford, turn down your iPod, don't slurp your coffee, watch how loud you type on your laptop, and if you fall asleep, don't you dare snore...


'Cause John Clifford's gonna get ya.

We Thought This Was About Richie Kessel's Laryngitis

Half a Mil to Tell You What You Already Know: There's Traffic


Your tax dollars (specifically, 450,000 of them) are at work powering a sign on the Northern State Parkway that can tell you how long it'll take you to get to the Sag or Route 111 from Exit 40. At first, the sign wasn't even working properly. On the bright side, the design of the sign shows that someone's planned ahead: there's room for a third digit.

Childhood Obesity Is Really Getting Out of Hand

Attention, Riders: Watch the Glitch!


The LIRR said that the glitch is also responsible for late trains, dirty trains, broken trains, and people falling through the gap.

On an unrelated note, the LIRR also announced that it no longer has that "budget windfall" it announced the day before the glitch was discovered.

Compare and Contrast

So. Thanks to the box showing what's "most popular" and "most e-mailed" on the home pages of media Web sites, you can get an idea of the type of readership that's, uh, reading.

This is the "most e-mailed" for today's New York Times:


No surprise. Something on insurance, a few of the Times' blowhard lefty columnists who preach to the choir, and a couple of articles covering hot-button issues in the news today. In some ways there's no reason for the readers to e-mail these stories because the readers' likeminded friends probably read these articles already.

Now let's look at the "most e-mailed" articles from our hometown paper:


That's right, folks, the duck. They moved the duck. It didn't break or anything. Let's e-mail that story to all our friends!

And how can that be more interesting than a sex-stung cardiologist or a fake grenade?

Does "Racist" Count as a Disability?

Newsday readers have sounded off on the case of the former Wal-Mart employee with Down's Syndrome and IBS suing the company (normally praised for its hiring of disabled workers) for discrimination after he was fired.

Our favorite comment was this gem from someone called (ironically) Fix Society:


Not to stereotype or anything.

Dolan Singing the Blues?


Well, not really. Even though the he was socked with the $11.6 million verdict (on appeal; good luck with that!) and is facing that other sex-harassment lawsuit we almost forgot about, Jim's got a plan to keep himself and his empire solvent.

1. Because beer sales bring in more revenue than soda, the drinking age at Garden events will be lowered to 12.


2. Love HBO? It's now 300 bucks a month!


3. MSG interns have to sign up for a payroll deduction if they want to bang Stephon Marbury in his van.


4. MSG to sue all Chinese restaurants for copyright infringement every time they use monosodium glutamate.

She Was Also Told She's Got Prostate Cancer



And the test results for hoof-and-mouth disease are pending. But they said she'll have to get her tonsils and appendix removed. Again.

Because We Were Lazy This Summer

Yeah, so we slacked off. We'll try to post more. Okay. Okay? Okay.

Newsday-Cover Headline Contest (No, It's Not Really a Contest)


Our entries:

1. Beach Bums
2. Two Whales Spotted on South Shore
3. What Would Their Children Look Like?
   
4. Greedy and Greedier
5. Where's a Harpoon When You Need One?

Criminally Retarded



Like something out of a Warner Brothers cartoon, some idiot (from Selden, naturally) caused a fire by trying to steal gas by drilling into a the gas tank. (Interestingly, it took TWO Newsday reporters to write the story. How complicated could it have been?)

Other schemes this moron has hatched:
• Placing FOR SALE signs with his phone number on the front lawns of houses not actualy for sale.
• Grave robbing for eBay.
• Attempting to break into the main offices of Slomin's Home Security.
• Holding up a bakery because he heard "They got a lotta dough there."

Attention, Wal-Mart Shoppers: Junkie in Aisle 5

Imagine What Her Salary Would Be If It Were a FOR-Profit

Bovines Flying Over Icy Hades Dept.




As of now, we still don't know all the reasons why Joey and Amy have reunited. Mary-Jo sez it's all about the money, but we all know Joey has proved himself a man of integrity enough for that charge not to stick. A few other questions linger, though:

1. What was the point of Amy's plastic surgery?
2. Does the Long Island Press regret no longer having her as a columnist?
3. Will Amy eventually shoot herself in the face?
4. Why does anyone still care about these two?

And Then They'll Need Another $1.7 Mil to Remove the Sand in the Spring

The "Suit" Was a Size 60

Someone Should Make Those Gangs a Little Less Flammable

The Victim Was Robbed of 20 Bucks and a Bottle of Shiraz

They Were Spotted Wearing Skidz and "Members Only" Jackets

Richie Kessel and Al D'Amato, Watch Your Back!

And On Appeal Grandma Would Win Back Her Dentures


Not to make light of the actual reasons this lawsuit took place, but where we come from, our (beloved and deceased) grandmothers combined didn't have 800 grand! Their total possessions consisted mainly of:

1. Lots of floral-print headscarves

2. Several prescription drugs, none of which were worth anything on the black market or could get you high

3. A tub of Fleischmann's margarine

Hooray for Us

This is our 100th post. Can't believe we found 100 Long Island things to write about, mostly by looking at Newsday's site!

Feel free to comment on our posts; that's what the "comments" link is for! You can do it anonymously or post under an assumed name, like Richard Bessel or Jimmy Bolan or Al B'Amato.

Defense Arguments Available Here


1. No one can drive even half that fast during rush hour on the LIE.

2. The car was actually piloted by Tom Suozzi's driver.

3. The guy is from Shirley. What do you expect: intelligence?

Third Place: Thomas Barraga's Driveway

Newsday's article on the proposal to keep illegal immigrants from congregating on Farmingville streets by building a designated hiring site (supported by Legis. Thomas Barraga, who was quoted in the story) has generated lots of responses from the paper's readers.

We sifted through all the responses. According to Newsday readers, here's the most popular location for the hiring site:


The second-most popular location:

If Only a Middle Finger Washed Up Instead



A severed left leg washed up on the shore of the James Dolan estate, baffling investigators.

Turns out, it was just somebody trying to pay his Cablevision bill. The arm (as in "arm and a leg") will likely turn up later.