If Only a Middle Finger Washed Up Instead



A severed left leg washed up on the shore of the James Dolan estate, baffling investigators.

Turns out, it was just somebody trying to pay his Cablevision bill. The arm (as in "arm and a leg") will likely turn up later.

Postage Due

Last Year They Ranked 15th Out of 14



So anyway, LIPA was considered the worst utility in the East, and this is in a category with Con Ed, which left people in Queens without power for like a week.

They also compared LIPA with non-utility businesses. In terms of reputation, LIPA ranked just below the tobacco companies and just above some nonprofit called Mothers in Favor of Drunk Driving (MIFODD).

Makes You Wonder What Kind of "Gifts" This Guy Had

Next Time He Should Use an Unmarked Fire Truck


We learned the other day that Nassau Comptroller Howard Weitzman's unmarked police car got stuck in the ice and required the help of policemen (who likely showed up in "marked" police cars) to pull him out.

Now it turns out that the practice (having unmarked police cars at home, not the stuck-in-the-ice part) is illegal, and a number of officials, including Assessor Harvey Levinson are breaking the law.

We don't have a snappy comment quite yet, but are pround PROUD(!!!) of our Photoshop skills, evident in the graphic that accompanies this post.

A Quicker Way to Say This Is Simply, "It's Tuesday."

Next Time, Don't Tell the Driver to "Take a Shortcut"


Both the driver and passenger in a cab that flew off the Expressway are alive and (somewhat) well.

A curious quote from the driver: ""I was going slowly, 35, 40, 45 miles an hour." This in a nor'easter, the kind of storm that's so bad they put an apostrophe in the name.

The real question is, as the taxi lay all smashed up as the ambulance arrived, did he keep the meter running?

(Photo: James Carbone/Newsday)

Damned If You Drink, Damned If You're Drunk



I mean, if you're a drunk parent and have to go to the store, or the bar, what ARE you supposed to do with the kids?

Some Headline Writer Is Having a Good Laugh Right Now



Because skirt + gay issues = FUNN-AY!!!

We Probably Would Have Considered the Billy Club Instead

Because a "Get Rid of the Mexicans Bill" Would Likely Be Unconstitutional, Too


It appears that Suffolk County Exec Steve Levy's attempt to curb the day-labor problem with an anti-loitering bill will be for naught. ("For naught" means "it ain't gonna work.")

It's not as if they didn't have other, even less-successful attempts at legislation to eliminate the hordes of Latin fellows seeking unlicensed employment for untaxed income. A previous proposed bill attempted to make it a crime for speaking a word that has a tilde in it.

The House Should Get Its Own Zip Code and Mayor

In yet another shining example of the housing situation in Nassau, village inspectors found a Hempstead house that held 28 people.

Next door they found a house with a even worse situation. According to officials, it held:

Two single moms
One old guy
Two Bengali tigers
The Harlem Globetrotters
Three of Bill Clinton's mistresses
A dozen illegal aliens looking for contruction work
Five cans of Pringles
An Iranian nuclear power plant
Three fugitives featured on "America's Most Wanted"
Town of Hempstead Supervisor Kate Murray

When They Say Long Island Is a Cesspool, They May Be Right

Wow. You mean having all our waste dumped into what is basically a big hole in the front yard might not be so great for the environment?

Shoot First, Introduce Legislation Later

While debating an anti-loitering bill targeting immigrant day laborers, Legis. Joe Caracappa asked other legislators how they'd feel if they lived in communities where immigrants showed up in packs along the road looking for work. Amityville Legis. Elie Mystal replied:

"If I'm living in that neighborhood and people are gathering like that, I would load up my gun and start shooting, period."

While this comment is as refreshingly honest as it is refreshingly scary, we noted that this answer can apply to many issues a legislator faces.

Q: What would you say to homeowners who feel their property taxes are too high?
Legis. Elie Mystal: I would load up my gun and start shooting, period.

Q: Road congestion is a serious problem. On one hand, Route 347, Route 25A, and Route 27A would likely need expansion, but to build more lanes would require the destruction of existing businesses and could affect the quality of life. Where do you stand on the issue?
Legis. Elie Mystal: I would load up my gun and start shooting, period.

Q: The issue of the winter holidays is so controversial these days. Does "Christmas" mean a tree that has no religious significance, or are goverment offices allowed to display more overt religious symbols, like a nativity?
Legis. Elie Mystal: I would load up my gun and start shooting, period.

Q: The recent LIPA increases?
Legis. Elie Mystal: I would load up my gun and start shooting, period.

Q: LIRR delays?
Legis. Elie Mystal: I would load up my gun and start shooting, period.

Q: Potholes along Route 110?
Legis. Elie Mystal: I would load up my gun and start shooting, period.

Q: The recent spate of cold weather?
Legis. Elie Mystal: I would load up my gun and start shooting, period.

Q: Charles Wang's attempt to buy all of Nassau County?
Legis. Elie Mystal: I would load up my gun and start shooting, period.

Q: Finally, what do you think you'd do when a Newsday reporter asks for comments regarding illegal aliens?
Legis. Elie Mystal: I would load up my gun and start shooting, period.

Because Zachary Gibian Wasn't Available


It ain't easy finding someone to decapitate a target. Most of the good ones are already in prison. (Though Zach claims his mother did it. Maybe the thug should have given HER a ring.)

Maybe Prison Really Is More "Wizard of Oz" Than "Oz"!

Convicted head-cutter-off-er Zachary Gibian is already preferring life in the slammer to life on "the outside," as they said we think on The Shawshank Redemption.

The most telling quote in the article is in the first paragraph:

To listen to Zachary Gibian describe the relaxation of reading six books in three weeks, writing poetry from his desk, and playing his favorite card game, "Cut throat," is to believe he has it made.

So What Do We Get for a Half-Dozen Carnations?
The cops busted a prostitution ring in Centereach.

These suburban hookers advertised on Craig's List (maybe they're responsible for the recent crazy irate post). Newsday reports that the advertisement "offered sexual favors, but 'no full contact' [BOR-ING!]" for the price of "150 to 225 roses."

Said Sixth Precinct Inspector Frank Stallone (there's a Sly-Stallone's-brother joke in there somewhere, but we can't think of one right now): "That, obviously, is dollars."

"Roses" actually means "dollars"? Now THAT'S good police work! Better than CSI!

This One Is More "Rant" Than "Rave"


Call us sadistic, but we kinda feel like contacting this person with services or other commercial interests.

Write Your Own Punchline!


Smells like:

Teen spirit
Richard Kessel
The daily jackknifed tractor-trailer on the Expressway
Town of Hempstead fraud
The LIRR gap
Your mother
Another Cablevision price increase
The ghost of Frank Tassone (yes, we know he's still alive)
Charlie Wang's attempt to take over Long Island
Al D'Amato's McMansion
An Islanders winning streak
That rotting, waterlogged Long Island Press at the end of your driveway