Applicable for Glue and Dog Food Community College

One of the weirder headlines among the borderline-creepy coverage of the death of Barbaro was this one:


What a boon to all those horses whose families don't have the money to send them to college!

A Corny Mistake

Newsday ran this headline this morning:


But if that headline WERE accurate, we don't think we'd want to read the rest of the story.

The Most Accurate Newsday Sentence Ever

Newsday's article about the replacement of LIPA gadfly Richie "I Dropped One of My Titles But Still Got Paid 165 Grand" Kessel concluded with this sentence:

LIPA, which some have criticized for paying high salaries to political appointees, could see a leaner structure as a result.

As soon as Kessel walks out that LIPA door, it'll feel "leaner" everywhere! (Rimshot!)

Do You Want the Good News First, or the Bad?

So Michael Patrick Nelson has finally ended his allegedly award-winning column in the Long Island Press. What would we do without the most naval-gazing writer on Long Island?



But wait! Now! He! Has! A! Blog!!!!!!!!

Wang Was So Impressed, He Made the Guy General Manager of the Team

An article discussing the partnership of two filthy-rich Long Islanders, Charles "I made $670 million in 1995 but only Sanjay Kumar goes to jail" Wang and Scott "I fought Carl Ichan and I won" Rechler mentioned this about the real estate titan: "Scott Rechler does not know much about hockey."



Some Islander fans would argue: Neither does Charlie!

It Will Replace the Wedding Photo on Our Nightstand

Newsday blasted a huge LIRR gap special today, and on the Web they solicit photos of gaps throughout the system. If you're disappointed that you don't live near a gap-plagued line, or if you want your friends to think you're weird, the newspaper offers this:



That's right! Buy yourself a nice glossy print! Put it next to photos of your gap-related injury when you decide to sue!

Send Dan Marino to Negotiate

We didn't want to talk about the dolphins. We thought the dolphin story would pass. But it hasn't. So, here it is: Dolphins are still stuck in East Hampton tighter than rich-kid jerkoffs trying to heading home from the East End on a summer Sunday night.



The crew in charge of getting rid of them are using the feeble technique of "making noise" to drive them out. But as dolphins are supposedly intelligent creatures (at least more so than the average Mastic resident), they should shout something specific, such as:

1. "Want to see what the property taxes are like around here?"

2. "A car loaded with Tom Suozzi and his redlight-running driver is coming straight at you!"

3. "Not far from here is a 7-Eleven with ILLEGAL MEXICANS mulling around looking for work!"

Ladies and Gentlemen...IRONY!

Everyone's favorite gubernatorial "candidate" and two-time and probably three-time Nassau boss Tom Suozzi was riding shotgun when his offical at-taxpayers-expense car ran a red light and smashed into some poor dude.

In what can be filed under "we can't make this shit up," Tom's driver broke the most basic traffic law while en route to visit Kathleen Rice and Andrew Cuomo, who are only the TOP LAW OFFICIALS in the county and state, respectively.

Suozzi Likely to Run Again, Bear Shits in Woods

Newsday reports that its favorite son, Tom "My Dad Was Also Mayor of Glen Cove" Suozzi is planning on running for Nassau County Executive again, despite promising not to during the campaign for governor in which he spent a ton of money and rarely set foot in Hempstead so he could lose the primary by a 4-to-1 ratio.

Good luck, Tommy! May your legacy rank with those of three-termers Tom Gulotta and George Pataki!

In Case They Don't Know Route 25 and Route 25A and Route 25B Are Three Separate Roads

So the Nassau cops, who if we recall correctly make like $371,000 a year or something, are going to get global positioning system technology (GPS) into their vehicles. We didn't realize that they were getting lost all the time!

Because Osama Was Overheard Railing Against "Great Satan Minnesota Wild Hockey Team"

Mayor Bloomberg went to Washington to ask why the hell the anti-terror funds are spread across the country "like peanut butter" (Mayor Mike didn't say whether he meant creamy or chunky) rather than focused in the New York area where, like, almost all the attacks and threats take place.


Norm Coleman distinguished senator from Minnesota, a place that can elect Jesse Ventura governor, declared:

"There are a lot of areas of great risk, you know, throughout the heartland. In Minnesota, we have the Mall of America. ... Minnesota Wild [hockey team] play at the Xcel Energy Center, a symbol of America."

The guy has a point. I mean, that's what they quiz you on when you want to become a citizen. The symbols of America: Mount Rushmore, the Statue of Liberty, and THE XCEL ENERGY CENTER, HOME OF THE MINNESOTA WILD HOCKEY TEAM!

You'd think the Meadowlands would be a bigger target. The Devils play there.

Continuing to Shame Long Island From 3,000 Miles Away

Human punchline and former Long Islander scumbag ("former" on the Long Islander part, not the scumbag part) Joey Buttafuoco turned himself in to serve a one-year sentence for illegally possessing ammunition.


Two observations:

1. Only someone like Joey would have ammunition, but no gun. One assumes he would defend himself by THROWING or perhaps SPITTING the bullets at his attacker.

2. Joey will likely argue that his ex-wife Mary Jo, who still has a bullet lodged in her skull from former Long Island Press columnist and plastic surgery patient Amy Fisher (who used a gun, by the way), is ALSO in legal possession of ammunition.

File Under "Why Should We Be Surprised?"

We learn today that Roosevelt, known to most people as the Long Island community that's managed in such a way that makes Shirley look like Great Neck, has experienced yet another setback in its education system. Construction of a middle school is millions of dollars over budget.

Part of the reason is that the school is being built at (and we're not making this up) a site formerly used by Nassau County for storage of mosquito-control equipment!

Now the state and the county argue over whose responsibility is it to clean the place up, and the Roosevelt kids continue to be the Sisyphus of Long Island schoolchildren. (And sadly, none of them will probably learn who Sisyphus was.)

The state or county or whoever's in charge could have picked a better place, like underground or in a moving van, but look on the bright side: all those kids will be able to enjoy picnics and backyard barbecues without having to coat themselves in "Off" repellent!

Woo-Hah! He's Got Them All in Check

I guess we really shouldn't be surprised about the latest incident from a guy who pens songs with titles like "Break Ya Neck," "Make It Hurt," "We Could Take It Outside," and the prophetic "What the F*** You Want!" But even Uniondale native Busta Rhymes may have crossed the line when he punched and kicked an employee who asked for Busta's signature for payroll purposes.

Looks like Trevor (Mr. Rhymes's real name) should keep an extra stash of courvoisier to numb his employees' pain when he puts the beat-down on them. Maybe he offers workers' comp.

Newsday Headline Writer Defines "Irony"

No further comment required on this one:

Blame Osama Bin NIMBY

Nassau County is running into opposition on its attempt to upgrade its radio system by placing antennae on large things like water towers, Richie Kessel's gut, and Al D'Amato's self-importance.

In Bayville, for instance, the village already permits 52 antennae on water towers from cellphone companies, yet suddenly people feel these proposed emergency antennae will cause things like cancer, blurry vision, stunted growth, chlamydia, and a desire to watch "According to Jim."

Long Island Nation suggests the following compromise:

A Nation of "Nations"

Yes, we shamelessly promote ourselves in places like the Newsday forums and the Craig's List Rants 'n' Raves section. We expect people to ignore us or tell us to shut up. That's the American Way. But when we dropped a link in the comments section for the first-2007-baby story, we didn't expect this, from "Lisa" of Huntington Station (assuming she really is from Huntington Station, which is another issue entirely):


We're not sure what got Lisa so hot and bothered. Clearly, she didn't read our site, so we think she was just freaked out by the word "nation," which we happen to share with Aryan Nation and National Front.

But we feel sorry for Lisa, because by shunning all things "nation," she's missing these great Nations:

• Liberal rag The Nation
• Overpriced and often smelly theater chain National Amusements
• Shitty movies (with the exception of Animal House) with National Lampoon in the title
• Groundbreaking yet incredibly racist-in-hindsight 1915 film Birth of a Nation
• More-shameless-self-promoter-than-Long-Island-Nation shrill author Liz Wurtzel's Prozac Nation

Hmmm. I guess when you think about it, maybe we should change our name. To something like Long Island Island or something.

Happy New Year! (And Screw You, Illegals!)

Newsday reports on the first Long Island baby of 2007. Some basic facts about the child's parents:

They live in Copiague, and have been together for four years. Both are from El Salvador [they spoke to Newsday through an interpreter], and each has a child living with relatives in that Central American country.

Thanks to the Newsday forums, we're able to read between the lines a bit, as insightful people provide analysis such as:

and


But the REAL issue is, people in Copaigue are allowed to have children?

In a Three-Way Race, We're Surprised They Didn't Come in Fourth Place




So an LIRR union is mad that former New York Post owner/real estate titan/MTA chairman Peter Kalikow called the railroad "third-best" in the metro area. Yesterday, United Transportation Union general chairman Anthony Simon drafted a letter responding to Kalikow's comments to a Newsday columnist that the LIRR "is the third-best railroad in the metropolitan area" behind Metro-North and the city's subway system.

Instead of trying to move up in Kalikow's personal rankings by improving service or cleaning the cars better or preventing more people from falling through gaps, the union's head wrote a letter:

"I must say, it took me hours to calm down before being able to gather my thoughts and deliver them to you," [United Transportation Union general chairman Anthony] Simon wrote.

"Hours"? So that's why our trains are always late!

Nelson Ravings Summary: December 21, 2006

In which we plow through the weekly Long Island Press column so you don't have to.

Title: Nothing but the Best
Word count: 1346
"I" usage: 66 "I"; 6 "I'm"; 1 "I'd"; 0 "I've"
"Jenn" mentions: 0
Four-word summary: "I list music favorites."