In a Three-Way Race, We're Surprised They Didn't Come in Fourth Place




So an LIRR union is mad that former New York Post owner/real estate titan/MTA chairman Peter Kalikow called the railroad "third-best" in the metro area. Yesterday, United Transportation Union general chairman Anthony Simon drafted a letter responding to Kalikow's comments to a Newsday columnist that the LIRR "is the third-best railroad in the metropolitan area" behind Metro-North and the city's subway system.

Instead of trying to move up in Kalikow's personal rankings by improving service or cleaning the cars better or preventing more people from falling through gaps, the union's head wrote a letter:

"I must say, it took me hours to calm down before being able to gather my thoughts and deliver them to you," [United Transportation Union general chairman Anthony] Simon wrote.

"Hours"? So that's why our trains are always late!

Nelson Ravings Summary: December 21, 2006

In which we plow through the weekly Long Island Press column so you don't have to.

Title: Nothing but the Best
Word count: 1346
"I" usage: 66 "I"; 6 "I'm"; 1 "I'd"; 0 "I've"
"Jenn" mentions: 0
Four-word summary: "I list music favorites."

IP-Tracking Incompetence or Newsday-Generated Conspiracy?

Several people have complained (and we have reported) about Newsday's inability to track their "location" accurately on their boards (perhaps the blame lies with Topix, the company that owns the boards).

It's mostly stuff like some guy in East Meadow having his location listed as Hempstead or whatever. Annoying, but not too big of a deal.

So as we try to shamelessly promote ourselves on the Newsday bulletin boards, we've found something odd:


Take a closer look:


Spring Grove, Illinois? Even if we lived in one of the most western Nassau towns, like Elmont, that'd be nearly 900 miles away.

What gives? Is Newsday trying to paint Long Island Nation as not being from Long Island? Come clean, Newsday, or else we'll drop the corpse of Ed Lowe onto your Melville headquarters.

(What? He's still alive?)

Whoop-Ass by the Water

So it looks like the Ocean Beach police force has gotten themselves into a little bit of hot water, fending off a slew of brutality lawsuits and defending an adherence to the town's regulations with what some have called "a stormtrooper mentality."

The locals don't understand what the big deal is. To quote today's Newsday article on the topic:

"Occasionally, someone gets hurt and decides to sue the police department, for whatever reason," said Gerard Stoddard, president of the Fire Island Association.

We don't get it, either. Whatever could the reason be for the lawsuit from a New Jersey tourist who visited the Land of No last summer? Just because his bladder was forcibly ruptured after being arrested for littering doesn't mean he should act like such a pussy.

"To me, they [police] understand what the problems are, and are reasonable about trying to keep the peace and strike the balance," continues Stoddard—not to mention striking (and bruising) the trachea of an Amityville construction worker who happened to be a bystander watching ANOTHER perp get the bejeezus kicked out of him for staying in a room not rented under his own name.

We're looking forward to witnessing the comeuppance of future violators of some of OB's other statutes, including eating cookies on public walkways and riding bicycles on Saturdays and Sundays (both illegal).

And we hear that the town is looking to pass a new ordinance: If you get caught with possession of sand while walking on the beach, cops can pierce your pancreas with a lifeguard flag.

Start by Asking for References, Like the Names of Other People the Guy's Killed

Some guy from North Bellmore (that alone should send up a warning flare) was busted for trying to have his wife killed. The hitman he tried to hire turned out to be an undercover cop.

Is it just us, or is this like the jillionth time a guy got busted for trying to hire a hitman that was actually an undercover cop? We suggest next time, when interviewing the potential assassin, asking some pointed questions, like, oh, maybe..."Are you an undercover cop?"

Happy Holidays! (WHOOPS!)

Because no two things go together as well as "Lord Jesus Christ" and "douchbags" [sic]...


And what's with that picture of Kris Kristofferson?

Breaking News: Doc Gooden Tells Melky Cabrera, "Stay Away From Cocaine"

Big local sports news last night. The Islanders defeated a gutsy and depleted Rangers team at the Garden. The Isles' Jason Blake had a hat trick, and the Rangers came back from a 4-1 deficit but fell short in an exciting game.

And with the Knicks off last night and the Giants and Jets not doing anything this week other than preparing for games several days from now, surely the Islanders-Rangers game would be on the back page of Newsday, the Long Island paper of record (keep dreaming, LI Press). The Island is full of both Islander and Ranger fans, so whenever these two teams tangle, there's gonna be lots of chatter the next day.

So naturally, this was Newsday's back cover today:


If you squint real close, you can see that there was a hockey game last night.

Meanwhile, we are treated to some Ken Davidoff interview with Darryl Strawberry where he says that Jeter should be nicer to A-Rod. (Duh.) The article, which runs on the prime left-hand page behind the cover, is merely a half-page of text illustrated with a gigantic photo of the circa mid-1980s Mets smiling in the dugout, showing what a happy family they were. (We guess a photo of those same Mets boozing and brawling with each other wasn't available.)

On the right-hand page we get an article on the Mets (the current Mets) trying to get Barry Zito (which we grant is somewhat relevant, though the Zito saga will likely run for days), and some article from the AP wire where Pete Rose says Mark McGwire belongs in the Hall of Fame, which is as newsworthy as the late Pinochet saying Pol Pot deserves the Nobel Peace Prize.

Oh, to get to the Isles-Rangers coverage, you have to dig three pages deeper, past articles on the Giants, Jets, Knicks, and the Denver Nuggets (who acquired Allen Iverson).

Thank you, hometown paper!

That's Not a Lump of Coal

So the Commack School District relented and let one of their bus drivers wear his Santa hat.

This is the driver:

Obviously, the parent who complained must have thought he wasn't showing Christmas spirit, but was in fact showing support for this guy:


(That's Sheikh Omar Abdel-Rahman, for those ignorant few who don't read the news.)

A Grande Writer's Block With an Extra Shot of
Who Gives a Shit

Wondering what potent potables Long Island Presser Nora Cronin chose to quaff last weekend while doing her holiday shopping? Neither were we, but apparently the Press decided to indulge its caffeine-crippled columnist by running an article on what she drank as she hit the malls or whatever the hell she did last weekend.

While not as navel-gazing as, say, a "Nelson Ravings" column, did we really need to kill a tree and some of our bandwidth to be privy to such unique observations as Dunkin' Donuts' coffee is cheaper than Starbucks', and their holiday decorations are "tacky"?

The column is ostensibly about holiday-themed coffee drinks from local establishments, yet three of the five places she mentions are Starbucks (twice) and Dunkin' D's. Which we could read about in the Des Moines Register.

Honestly, we wouldn't mind reading that the Press columnists drink their own (or each other's) urine if we learned something "local" or "Long Island-y" along the way—which is why we're supposed to be picking the Press up off our driveways instead of letting it float along a meandering curbside river into the sewer.

Next week: a rundown of local burger joints, featuring the merits of ingesting a Big Mac versus a Whopper.

The Flavor of Depressing

There's a Newsday bulletin board where discussion has been ongoing for a couple of months. The issue? Not Iraq, property taxes, or Al D'Amato's mansion, but the TV show "Flavor of Love," as debated on Newsday's Impulse entertainment site, where participants display their intelligence, wit, and love for discourse.

Here's a quick summary. Someone suggests which girl Mr. Flav should choose.

But another reader provides a counterpoint.


Someone else clouds the issue.

And then we're off on a tangent.


We're steered back into the debate.

And a new issue is raised!


Seconded.


Thirded.


Back to the original subject at hand.

A devil's advocate arrives.


And we return to another point of inquiry.


Finally, some clarification!


And further explanation.


Finally, we're drawn to a conclusion.


And just in case we didn't understand the last post...


May we ALL receive heaven-sent Flavor Flavs this holiday season.

Nelson Ravings Summary: December 14, 2006

In which we plow through the weekly Long Island Press column so you don't have to.

Title: 'Tis the Season
Word count: 1233
"I" usage: 47 "I"; 15 "I'm"; 1 "I'd"; 2 "I've"
"Jenn" mentions: 2
Four-word summary: "I'm a baseball fanatic."

Here's a Big Idea: Create a Real Forum!

Joye Brown has asked for your big ideas. But where do you post them? Newsday's site serves content the way food would look served on dishes thrown down a flight of stairs and glued back together by a guy wearing mittens, so it's no surprise they didn't create a special forum that would funnel all discussion of the topic.



How will I know that someone else doesn't have the idea of putting a big bubble over Suffolk County? (It will keep the temperature at an even 68 degrees, plus keep out dem dam illegals!) I'll have to go to FIVE (and counting) different forum boards to check!

And yes, we know the way to Pace University (the downtown, midtown, AND Pleasantville campuses!). We just don't know the way to the right forum!

Another Big Idea: Better IP IDs

Another curious aspect of this Newsday Big Idea poll thingy is how the locations of many people (likely tagged by IP address) are misidentified:









One wonders whether their newspapers get delivered to the right place.

Will There Be Any Angry Replies?

Wade through the aptly named rants & raves section of craigslist and you'll find lots of bizarre posts, petty taunting, and proudly overt racism, sexism, and xenophobia.

Then we came across this headline: Buttermilk.

Could it be some gross, dairy-based sexual comment? A sick, dairy-based racial remark?

Actually, no:


Quite a contrast to the usual r&r stuff. So we flagged it as "prohibited."

You Asked for It, Joye Brown

Joye Browne, practically the only remaining "neighborhood" columnist at Newsday, requested "big ideas" from her readers. And boy, have they have responded:

It might be quicker to go east, around the world, and then through Manhattan:


Someone concludes his laundry list with an idea for the columnist:


Someone asks Newsday to first look in its own backyard...

...while someone else suggests Joye look in her own backyard.

We get the typical ALL CAPS RANTS THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO READ WITHOUT EYEBALL HEMORRHAGING.

Joye's comments about the Suffolk courthouse being the "ugliest federal courthouse on the planet" draws this response:


But she is quickly defended!

And then—

We gave up after this. Maybe some of us should keep our ideas to ourselves.

Liberal-Bias Accusations Replaced by Projectile-Ignorance Accusations

And the readers are fuming mad at Newsday again, but not because of the paper's alleged lockstep with the liberal hordes. This time, it's because the paper's reporters don't know the difference between a crossbow and a compound bow. Why this should even be an issue on Long Island is beyond us.


Right. Now it is so totally a conspiracy.

Stay Tuned for "The Return of Crookhaven"!

What a blast from the past. Remember that Brookhaven politician/crook (we know: in Brookhaven, "politician" and "crook" are usually synonymous) John Powell? The guy ran the Suffolk GOP until he went to jail for stuff like being part of a stolen-truck ring and extortion, racketeering, and bribery — activities beneath the standards even of the Suffolk GOP.

Looks like his son is running for, uh, something. It's not quite clear, says Newsday's Rick Brand:

The rather imprecise message [on lawn signs all over Medford] states: "Anthony POWELL — an INDEPENDENT Voice for INDEPENDENT Voters."

Love the all-caps emphasis. Here are some other fun details about the son, Anthony. We mean, Anthony POWELL:

1. He's 22 years old.
2. He lives at home.

We don't know whether he has a job. Someone made 500 signs and 5,000 bumper stickers for this guy. When we were 22, we could barely afford to make 50 photocopies of our resume (which tells you how long it's been since we were 22. At least we're no longer living at home!)

His dad seems to have turned his life around; Brand notes that Powell pere quietly toils at a paving company, which is an honest place to work because OH SNAP LOOK WHAT NEWSDAY WROTE ON DECEMBER 6:

In a blistering new audit, Suffolk Comptroller Joseph Sawicki blasts purchasing practices at the county public works department, citing possible collusion among suppliers in cases in which bid specifications were narrow enough to give some vendors an "unfair competitive advantage." [This goes beyond] four leading Long Island road paving contractors indicted last year on federal charges of running an "asphalt cartel" that allegedly rigged millions of dollars in contracts in Suffolk and Brookhaven Town since 2003.

Can't wait to find out what this dude is running for!

Update: It must run in the family. We found another bit by Rick Brand that mentions that Anthony's mom had the $109,000 position of Deputy Commissioner of Jurors (whatever that is) until she was fired (for what, we don't know).

A Peek at Newsday User Comments: Power 105.1 DJ Shot

It's fun to see what Newsday online readers are thinking. And it's great to know that what they are thinking, regarding some disc jockey getting shot, is rather ignorant (click to enlarge if you must):


I mean, the guy can't even spell "riddance"!

Nelson Ravings Summary: December 7, 2006

In which we plow through the weekly Long Island Press column so you don't have to.

Title: In the Pines
Word count: 1,233
"I" usage: 40 "I"; 6 "I'm"; 1 "I'll"; 3 "I've"
"Jenn" mentions: 13
Four-word summary: "I am Charlie Brown."

White Castle Upgraded to SECOND Most-Dangerous Fast Food

The more curious aspects of the E. coli/Taco Bell issue:

1. Newsday reports that one guy who got sick ate at three different Taco Bells (and no, it's not Richard Kessel)


2. The comments section for the Newsday article finds people who express the horror that they ate there after the news came out (but before reading about it)

Our Problem Was That We Always Confused It With FarmingDALE

Farmingville residents are looking to change the name of a portion of their town to Oak Hills in order to wipe away its association as the capital of illegal immigrants.

Someone might eventually alert these people that there is an Oak Hill, New York, which is so similar that they'll have to pick a new name. We suggest New Mexico City or Xenophobiaville.

From St. James to St. Petersburg

Sometimes we're like, jeez, what is going ON on Long Island? So we turn to the Avis of Long Island newspapers, the Press, and go to their "Local News" section. Amid updates on the local Taco Hell and Long Island DWI crash of the week, we found this:


A story about a Russian who was poisoned in England.

For a newspaper that grabs a good deal of its content from syndication (hello, Roger Ebert!), does the Press really need their own writer to give us updates on the poisoned spy? What's next? Ed Lowe in Tehran? (Actually, that's not a bad idea.)

Oops!

So LIPA's Richard Kessel resigned his CEO post (while still remaining chairman and collecting the CEO's $165,000+ salary) nine months ago, and never told anyone.

This from a guy who's drawn to a microphone like geeks to a Rush concert at Jones Beach. According to Newsday:

Asked why there was no public release, he said, "I didn't see any reason to do it."

Turns out there were a few other things Kessel has found no reason to publicly disclose:

1. He owns a solar-powered applause machine that he hides behind the podium during his ubiquitous press conferences.
2. He is working behind the scenes to kill Donald Trump's plans for a high-end restaurant at Jones Beach because he wants a Ponderosa with an all-you-can-eat buffet.
3. He is the reason all the chicken-salad sandwiches have gone missing from refrigerators in the LIPA cafeterias.