So What Do We Get for a Half-Dozen Carnations?
The cops busted a prostitution ring in Centereach.

These suburban hookers advertised on Craig's List (maybe they're responsible for the recent crazy irate post). Newsday reports that the advertisement "offered sexual favors, but 'no full contact' [BOR-ING!]" for the price of "150 to 225 roses."

Said Sixth Precinct Inspector Frank Stallone (there's a Sly-Stallone's-brother joke in there somewhere, but we can't think of one right now): "That, obviously, is dollars."

"Roses" actually means "dollars"? Now THAT'S good police work! Better than CSI!

This One Is More "Rant" Than "Rave"


Call us sadistic, but we kinda feel like contacting this person with services or other commercial interests.

Write Your Own Punchline!


Smells like:

Teen spirit
Richard Kessel
The daily jackknifed tractor-trailer on the Expressway
Town of Hempstead fraud
The LIRR gap
Your mother
Another Cablevision price increase
The ghost of Frank Tassone (yes, we know he's still alive)
Charlie Wang's attempt to take over Long Island
Al D'Amato's McMansion
An Islanders winning streak
That rotting, waterlogged Long Island Press at the end of your driveway

Killing Two Birds With One Stone



HERE'S a solution: Make the homeless live in John Loeffel's illegal apartment! Everybody wins!

Maybe Building That THIRD Story Was a Bad Idea


File this under what we're calling "Long Irony." (Get it? Long Island? Irony? Long Irony?) John Loeffel, the buildings commissioner in Hempstead, failed to have his own home properly assessed after he expanded his little one-story cape to a three-story monster (see the photo we stole from Newsday at left).

Too bad Supervisor Kate Murray, who lobbied hard to get this guy his job, was in the dark. But wait--Newsday says she lives on the same street as Loeffel!

Next up in Hempstead: A restaurant owned by the health commissioner will be found to harbor bubonic plague.

They Said the Same Thing About Tutankhamun


The difficult part was deciphering what he was saying while wrapped in layers of white linen and canvas.

Snow Job

Well, it appears that the Scottish fellow who promised to build an indoor ski mountain in Riverhead has finally backed out of the project after revealing that of the $100 million he claimed to have available, he lacked about $99,500,000 of it.

He had some other ideas for Long Island that likely won't get past the drawing-board stage:

1. The Long Island Commuter Tube transit system, which promises Ronkonkoma-to-Manhattan transportation in under three minutes.

2. Filling in the Long Island Sound so cars can travel to Connecticut without going through the City.

3. Disneyland Coram.

4. A rebuilt Nassau Coliseum and a hotel/condo combo featuring a 60-story tower. (Oh, wait, that's Charlie Wang's idea.)

Definition of "Blind Leading the Blind"


And at least we know there's no danger of Richie Kessel falling through the gap! RIMSHOT for the obvious fat joke!

Talk About "Stand By Your Man"! Part II

Most Long Island housewives would leave their husbands if the guys left the toilet seat up two days in a row, yet for the second consecutive day, Newsday reports on another guy who tried to have his woman (in this case, his fiancee) killed (but got busted because the guy he hired was an undercover cop, duh) only to have the loyal lady defend the guy in court!

We need more women like the former Mary Jo Buttafuoco! (She left Joey, and he didn't even technically try to kill her!)

Read Before You Post

Newsday ran a heartwarming Valentine's Day story about a couple who were married for 77 years, and the comments were positive:




...but for one exception:

Talk About "Stand By Your Man"!

We continue to be fascinated by the story of the guy who hired a hitman to kill his wife (only the hit man turned out to be an undercover cop).


In what is setting back something (women's lib? marriage?) several hundred years, the wife/target is not only supporting her husband, but is refusing to cooperate with the prosecution.

This despite her husband being quoted as wanting a thorough job: "Make sure you finish her off, because I don't want to be stuck with a vegetable," he said, accoriding to the prosecutor.

We think it's a little too late for that.

The Video Camera Should Have Tipped You Off

Once again, a man has been arrested for trying to hire a hitman to kill his wife, and once again, the man was arrested because the hit man happened to be an undercover cop who videotaped the whole transaction.

While we at Long Island Nation do not approve of people offing their spouses, we less approve of people who fail to do a job correctly.


Not that we have any experience in this regard (though we might have entertained the idea from time to time), we assume that you'd probably want to perform some due diligence when interviewing your prospective hitman:

1. Ask him if he's ever whacked anyone before. (Make sure you say "whacked"; it means you mean BUSINESS!)

2. Ask him if he has references who can confirm he has the ability to cold-bloodedly murder a total stranger.

3. Ask him what his method is. If it's a garotte, he may be too old-school for you.

4. And in passing, ask him if he, um, HAPPENS TO BE AN UNDERCOVER COP.

Also, It's COMPtroller, Not CONtroller

Newly installed Dem crony State Comptroller Thomas DiNapoli was blitzed with some basic financial questions in a Great Neck diner by the New York Post the other day, and proved he knew very little about the job that he was about to occupy.


There were several other questions, unpublished until now, that Tom was unable to answer correctly:

1. Which president is on the two-dollar bill?
2. What is the capital of New York?
3. What's so great about Great Neck?
4. Where have Shelly Silver and Joe Bruno buried their scruples?
5. Did Alan Hevesi's wife ever offer to pay for gas while she was being chauffeured around?
6. Deal...or no deal?
7. Which president is on the three-dollar bill? (TRICK QUESTION!)
8. After you finish your meal here, how much do you plan to tip?
9. Does anyone have smaller eyes than Governor Spitzer?
10. Who's a bigger crook: Hevesi or Bruno?
11. Did Tom Suozzi really offer to arm-wrestle you for the Nassau County Exec nomination?
12. How many pennies am I holding in my left hand?
13. If Governor Spitzer were allowed to spend five minutes in a locked room with Shelly Silver, no questions asked, what would happen?

Sixty Days of Fun!

One of Long Island's favorite businessmen-turned-criminals, Sanjay "Charles Wang Knew NOTHING About Any of This" Kumar, has just received a two-month reprieve from beginning his 12-year prison sentence. Which means instead of being released as late as February 27, 2019, it could now be as late as APRIL 27, 2019.



What can he do with those two months? Maybe catch a few Islanders games (though he likely won't be invited to Wang's luxury box) or stop by the headquarters of the company he ruined or go door-to-door to the CA employees who lost their jobs thanks to his fraud.

So much to do, so little time!

The Next Hearing Is Scheduled for February 31

The LIRR held hearings about the gap issue. Nice. Of course, they decided to hold the hearings on a weekday morning, which is when like 80 percent of its ridership will be at work, in the City, assuming they haven't already fallen through the gaps during their morning commute.

The article also mentions a group called Residents for a More Beautiful Syosset. We wonder if there's an opposing group that likes things the way they are, like Apathetics for an Ugly Stretch of Strip Malls Along Jericho Turnpike by Route 135.

Now How Much for a Lawyer Lapdance?

Now How Much for a Lawyer Lapdance?

The Town of Hempstead is trying to shut down a self-described "upscale gentlemen's club" (which we know no real "gentleman" would ever enter) called (and oddly spelled) Seduccion Bar and Lounge.


Enticing, isn't it?

According to the article, lapdances cost $25. This despite the club's tagline (according to their Web site): "City Style Without the City Hassle." Last time we went to a bachelor party in the City, we hit Privilege, where the private dances were a mere double-sawbuck. (Hey, we didn't say we were gentlemen!) We think the extra five bucks for girls who couldn't make the cut in NYC clubs would be considered a "hassle," too!

Meanwhile, the town has hired a law firm at the rate of $175 an hour. For that price, they'd better file their legal briefs while not wearing their cotton briefs!

Yes.

Two Embarrassing Selden Stories in Two Days!

Poor Selden. Yesterday's Newsday reported two Seldenites getting arrested for crack, while today we see that the fire department's being investigated for curious spending and bookkeeping, including conferences in Las Vegas.


You'd think with all the money they supposedly spent, they'd have paid the bill for the district's Web site, which is currently dead.

How LI Pales to NYC, Part II

Newsday ran two crack-related headlines atop each other:


We see another notable difference between THE CITY and THE ISLAND.

Kenneth "Supreme" McGriff ran a drug empire and was recently convicted of paying 50 grand to have two rivals rubbed out. Meanwhile, in Selden (surprise!), two losers were nabbed with an ounce of crack. Nice job!

(And yes, we make fun of the two morons stealing nickel powder!)

How LI Pales to NYC, Part I

In New York City, or as we call it in Long Islandese, "The City," they have real robberies. Like people trying to steal gold and shit. Here on Long Island, we have this:


If only they got away with it. They could have moved up the crime foodchain to stealing powdered dimes!

Sex Scandal in Nassau County? We're SHOCKED!

According to the article on the blackmailing swingers, the sex romps/extortion plots took place at "undisclosed locations in Carle Place."

We've got a few ideas where in Carle Place these transgression might have occured:

• In the rugs department of Fortunoff
• Between the pages of a Cheesecake Factory menu.
• In the 2 Live Crew section at Tower Records
• On the rising platform thingy on the dance floor at Chateau Briand
• In the "eggery" part of the Thomas Ham & Eggery diner

Applicable for Glue and Dog Food Community College

One of the weirder headlines among the borderline-creepy coverage of the death of Barbaro was this one:


What a boon to all those horses whose families don't have the money to send them to college!

A Corny Mistake

Newsday ran this headline this morning:


But if that headline WERE accurate, we don't think we'd want to read the rest of the story.

The Most Accurate Newsday Sentence Ever

Newsday's article about the replacement of LIPA gadfly Richie "I Dropped One of My Titles But Still Got Paid 165 Grand" Kessel concluded with this sentence:

LIPA, which some have criticized for paying high salaries to political appointees, could see a leaner structure as a result.

As soon as Kessel walks out that LIPA door, it'll feel "leaner" everywhere! (Rimshot!)

Do You Want the Good News First, or the Bad?

So Michael Patrick Nelson has finally ended his allegedly award-winning column in the Long Island Press. What would we do without the most naval-gazing writer on Long Island?



But wait! Now! He! Has! A! Blog!!!!!!!!

Wang Was So Impressed, He Made the Guy General Manager of the Team

An article discussing the partnership of two filthy-rich Long Islanders, Charles "I made $670 million in 1995 but only Sanjay Kumar goes to jail" Wang and Scott "I fought Carl Ichan and I won" Rechler mentioned this about the real estate titan: "Scott Rechler does not know much about hockey."



Some Islander fans would argue: Neither does Charlie!

It Will Replace the Wedding Photo on Our Nightstand

Newsday blasted a huge LIRR gap special today, and on the Web they solicit photos of gaps throughout the system. If you're disappointed that you don't live near a gap-plagued line, or if you want your friends to think you're weird, the newspaper offers this:



That's right! Buy yourself a nice glossy print! Put it next to photos of your gap-related injury when you decide to sue!

Send Dan Marino to Negotiate

We didn't want to talk about the dolphins. We thought the dolphin story would pass. But it hasn't. So, here it is: Dolphins are still stuck in East Hampton tighter than rich-kid jerkoffs trying to heading home from the East End on a summer Sunday night.



The crew in charge of getting rid of them are using the feeble technique of "making noise" to drive them out. But as dolphins are supposedly intelligent creatures (at least more so than the average Mastic resident), they should shout something specific, such as:

1. "Want to see what the property taxes are like around here?"

2. "A car loaded with Tom Suozzi and his redlight-running driver is coming straight at you!"

3. "Not far from here is a 7-Eleven with ILLEGAL MEXICANS mulling around looking for work!"

Ladies and Gentlemen...IRONY!

Everyone's favorite gubernatorial "candidate" and two-time and probably three-time Nassau boss Tom Suozzi was riding shotgun when his offical at-taxpayers-expense car ran a red light and smashed into some poor dude.

In what can be filed under "we can't make this shit up," Tom's driver broke the most basic traffic law while en route to visit Kathleen Rice and Andrew Cuomo, who are only the TOP LAW OFFICIALS in the county and state, respectively.

Suozzi Likely to Run Again, Bear Shits in Woods

Newsday reports that its favorite son, Tom "My Dad Was Also Mayor of Glen Cove" Suozzi is planning on running for Nassau County Executive again, despite promising not to during the campaign for governor in which he spent a ton of money and rarely set foot in Hempstead so he could lose the primary by a 4-to-1 ratio.

Good luck, Tommy! May your legacy rank with those of three-termers Tom Gulotta and George Pataki!

In Case They Don't Know Route 25 and Route 25A and Route 25B Are Three Separate Roads

So the Nassau cops, who if we recall correctly make like $371,000 a year or something, are going to get global positioning system technology (GPS) into their vehicles. We didn't realize that they were getting lost all the time!

Because Osama Was Overheard Railing Against "Great Satan Minnesota Wild Hockey Team"

Mayor Bloomberg went to Washington to ask why the hell the anti-terror funds are spread across the country "like peanut butter" (Mayor Mike didn't say whether he meant creamy or chunky) rather than focused in the New York area where, like, almost all the attacks and threats take place.


Norm Coleman distinguished senator from Minnesota, a place that can elect Jesse Ventura governor, declared:

"There are a lot of areas of great risk, you know, throughout the heartland. In Minnesota, we have the Mall of America. ... Minnesota Wild [hockey team] play at the Xcel Energy Center, a symbol of America."

The guy has a point. I mean, that's what they quiz you on when you want to become a citizen. The symbols of America: Mount Rushmore, the Statue of Liberty, and THE XCEL ENERGY CENTER, HOME OF THE MINNESOTA WILD HOCKEY TEAM!

You'd think the Meadowlands would be a bigger target. The Devils play there.

Continuing to Shame Long Island From 3,000 Miles Away

Human punchline and former Long Islander scumbag ("former" on the Long Islander part, not the scumbag part) Joey Buttafuoco turned himself in to serve a one-year sentence for illegally possessing ammunition.


Two observations:

1. Only someone like Joey would have ammunition, but no gun. One assumes he would defend himself by THROWING or perhaps SPITTING the bullets at his attacker.

2. Joey will likely argue that his ex-wife Mary Jo, who still has a bullet lodged in her skull from former Long Island Press columnist and plastic surgery patient Amy Fisher (who used a gun, by the way), is ALSO in legal possession of ammunition.

File Under "Why Should We Be Surprised?"

We learn today that Roosevelt, known to most people as the Long Island community that's managed in such a way that makes Shirley look like Great Neck, has experienced yet another setback in its education system. Construction of a middle school is millions of dollars over budget.

Part of the reason is that the school is being built at (and we're not making this up) a site formerly used by Nassau County for storage of mosquito-control equipment!

Now the state and the county argue over whose responsibility is it to clean the place up, and the Roosevelt kids continue to be the Sisyphus of Long Island schoolchildren. (And sadly, none of them will probably learn who Sisyphus was.)

The state or county or whoever's in charge could have picked a better place, like underground or in a moving van, but look on the bright side: all those kids will be able to enjoy picnics and backyard barbecues without having to coat themselves in "Off" repellent!

Woo-Hah! He's Got Them All in Check

I guess we really shouldn't be surprised about the latest incident from a guy who pens songs with titles like "Break Ya Neck," "Make It Hurt," "We Could Take It Outside," and the prophetic "What the F*** You Want!" But even Uniondale native Busta Rhymes may have crossed the line when he punched and kicked an employee who asked for Busta's signature for payroll purposes.

Looks like Trevor (Mr. Rhymes's real name) should keep an extra stash of courvoisier to numb his employees' pain when he puts the beat-down on them. Maybe he offers workers' comp.

Newsday Headline Writer Defines "Irony"

No further comment required on this one:

Blame Osama Bin NIMBY

Nassau County is running into opposition on its attempt to upgrade its radio system by placing antennae on large things like water towers, Richie Kessel's gut, and Al D'Amato's self-importance.

In Bayville, for instance, the village already permits 52 antennae on water towers from cellphone companies, yet suddenly people feel these proposed emergency antennae will cause things like cancer, blurry vision, stunted growth, chlamydia, and a desire to watch "According to Jim."

Long Island Nation suggests the following compromise:

A Nation of "Nations"

Yes, we shamelessly promote ourselves in places like the Newsday forums and the Craig's List Rants 'n' Raves section. We expect people to ignore us or tell us to shut up. That's the American Way. But when we dropped a link in the comments section for the first-2007-baby story, we didn't expect this, from "Lisa" of Huntington Station (assuming she really is from Huntington Station, which is another issue entirely):


We're not sure what got Lisa so hot and bothered. Clearly, she didn't read our site, so we think she was just freaked out by the word "nation," which we happen to share with Aryan Nation and National Front.

But we feel sorry for Lisa, because by shunning all things "nation," she's missing these great Nations:

• Liberal rag The Nation
• Overpriced and often smelly theater chain National Amusements
• Shitty movies (with the exception of Animal House) with National Lampoon in the title
• Groundbreaking yet incredibly racist-in-hindsight 1915 film Birth of a Nation
• More-shameless-self-promoter-than-Long-Island-Nation shrill author Liz Wurtzel's Prozac Nation

Hmmm. I guess when you think about it, maybe we should change our name. To something like Long Island Island or something.

Happy New Year! (And Screw You, Illegals!)

Newsday reports on the first Long Island baby of 2007. Some basic facts about the child's parents:

They live in Copiague, and have been together for four years. Both are from El Salvador [they spoke to Newsday through an interpreter], and each has a child living with relatives in that Central American country.

Thanks to the Newsday forums, we're able to read between the lines a bit, as insightful people provide analysis such as:

and


But the REAL issue is, people in Copaigue are allowed to have children?

In a Three-Way Race, We're Surprised They Didn't Come in Fourth Place




So an LIRR union is mad that former New York Post owner/real estate titan/MTA chairman Peter Kalikow called the railroad "third-best" in the metro area. Yesterday, United Transportation Union general chairman Anthony Simon drafted a letter responding to Kalikow's comments to a Newsday columnist that the LIRR "is the third-best railroad in the metropolitan area" behind Metro-North and the city's subway system.

Instead of trying to move up in Kalikow's personal rankings by improving service or cleaning the cars better or preventing more people from falling through gaps, the union's head wrote a letter:

"I must say, it took me hours to calm down before being able to gather my thoughts and deliver them to you," [United Transportation Union general chairman Anthony] Simon wrote.

"Hours"? So that's why our trains are always late!

Nelson Ravings Summary: December 21, 2006

In which we plow through the weekly Long Island Press column so you don't have to.

Title: Nothing but the Best
Word count: 1346
"I" usage: 66 "I"; 6 "I'm"; 1 "I'd"; 0 "I've"
"Jenn" mentions: 0
Four-word summary: "I list music favorites."

IP-Tracking Incompetence or Newsday-Generated Conspiracy?

Several people have complained (and we have reported) about Newsday's inability to track their "location" accurately on their boards (perhaps the blame lies with Topix, the company that owns the boards).

It's mostly stuff like some guy in East Meadow having his location listed as Hempstead or whatever. Annoying, but not too big of a deal.

So as we try to shamelessly promote ourselves on the Newsday bulletin boards, we've found something odd:


Take a closer look:


Spring Grove, Illinois? Even if we lived in one of the most western Nassau towns, like Elmont, that'd be nearly 900 miles away.

What gives? Is Newsday trying to paint Long Island Nation as not being from Long Island? Come clean, Newsday, or else we'll drop the corpse of Ed Lowe onto your Melville headquarters.

(What? He's still alive?)

Whoop-Ass by the Water

So it looks like the Ocean Beach police force has gotten themselves into a little bit of hot water, fending off a slew of brutality lawsuits and defending an adherence to the town's regulations with what some have called "a stormtrooper mentality."

The locals don't understand what the big deal is. To quote today's Newsday article on the topic:

"Occasionally, someone gets hurt and decides to sue the police department, for whatever reason," said Gerard Stoddard, president of the Fire Island Association.

We don't get it, either. Whatever could the reason be for the lawsuit from a New Jersey tourist who visited the Land of No last summer? Just because his bladder was forcibly ruptured after being arrested for littering doesn't mean he should act like such a pussy.

"To me, they [police] understand what the problems are, and are reasonable about trying to keep the peace and strike the balance," continues Stoddard—not to mention striking (and bruising) the trachea of an Amityville construction worker who happened to be a bystander watching ANOTHER perp get the bejeezus kicked out of him for staying in a room not rented under his own name.

We're looking forward to witnessing the comeuppance of future violators of some of OB's other statutes, including eating cookies on public walkways and riding bicycles on Saturdays and Sundays (both illegal).

And we hear that the town is looking to pass a new ordinance: If you get caught with possession of sand while walking on the beach, cops can pierce your pancreas with a lifeguard flag.

Start by Asking for References, Like the Names of Other People the Guy's Killed

Some guy from North Bellmore (that alone should send up a warning flare) was busted for trying to have his wife killed. The hitman he tried to hire turned out to be an undercover cop.

Is it just us, or is this like the jillionth time a guy got busted for trying to hire a hitman that was actually an undercover cop? We suggest next time, when interviewing the potential assassin, asking some pointed questions, like, oh, maybe..."Are you an undercover cop?"

Happy Holidays! (WHOOPS!)

Because no two things go together as well as "Lord Jesus Christ" and "douchbags" [sic]...


And what's with that picture of Kris Kristofferson?

Breaking News: Doc Gooden Tells Melky Cabrera, "Stay Away From Cocaine"

Big local sports news last night. The Islanders defeated a gutsy and depleted Rangers team at the Garden. The Isles' Jason Blake had a hat trick, and the Rangers came back from a 4-1 deficit but fell short in an exciting game.

And with the Knicks off last night and the Giants and Jets not doing anything this week other than preparing for games several days from now, surely the Islanders-Rangers game would be on the back page of Newsday, the Long Island paper of record (keep dreaming, LI Press). The Island is full of both Islander and Ranger fans, so whenever these two teams tangle, there's gonna be lots of chatter the next day.

So naturally, this was Newsday's back cover today:


If you squint real close, you can see that there was a hockey game last night.

Meanwhile, we are treated to some Ken Davidoff interview with Darryl Strawberry where he says that Jeter should be nicer to A-Rod. (Duh.) The article, which runs on the prime left-hand page behind the cover, is merely a half-page of text illustrated with a gigantic photo of the circa mid-1980s Mets smiling in the dugout, showing what a happy family they were. (We guess a photo of those same Mets boozing and brawling with each other wasn't available.)

On the right-hand page we get an article on the Mets (the current Mets) trying to get Barry Zito (which we grant is somewhat relevant, though the Zito saga will likely run for days), and some article from the AP wire where Pete Rose says Mark McGwire belongs in the Hall of Fame, which is as newsworthy as the late Pinochet saying Pol Pot deserves the Nobel Peace Prize.

Oh, to get to the Isles-Rangers coverage, you have to dig three pages deeper, past articles on the Giants, Jets, Knicks, and the Denver Nuggets (who acquired Allen Iverson).

Thank you, hometown paper!

That's Not a Lump of Coal

So the Commack School District relented and let one of their bus drivers wear his Santa hat.

This is the driver:

Obviously, the parent who complained must have thought he wasn't showing Christmas spirit, but was in fact showing support for this guy:


(That's Sheikh Omar Abdel-Rahman, for those ignorant few who don't read the news.)

A Grande Writer's Block With an Extra Shot of
Who Gives a Shit

Wondering what potent potables Long Island Presser Nora Cronin chose to quaff last weekend while doing her holiday shopping? Neither were we, but apparently the Press decided to indulge its caffeine-crippled columnist by running an article on what she drank as she hit the malls or whatever the hell she did last weekend.

While not as navel-gazing as, say, a "Nelson Ravings" column, did we really need to kill a tree and some of our bandwidth to be privy to such unique observations as Dunkin' Donuts' coffee is cheaper than Starbucks', and their holiday decorations are "tacky"?

The column is ostensibly about holiday-themed coffee drinks from local establishments, yet three of the five places she mentions are Starbucks (twice) and Dunkin' D's. Which we could read about in the Des Moines Register.

Honestly, we wouldn't mind reading that the Press columnists drink their own (or each other's) urine if we learned something "local" or "Long Island-y" along the way—which is why we're supposed to be picking the Press up off our driveways instead of letting it float along a meandering curbside river into the sewer.

Next week: a rundown of local burger joints, featuring the merits of ingesting a Big Mac versus a Whopper.